Angels Fall
by a striking mind
Summary: Sequel to Dr. Elizabeth Smalls. Beth & Spencer were dating but his addiction changed everything and she ended things. When a stalker starts sending her body parts of men who look like Reid things take a different turn. ch15, and sometimes angels fall
1. Epilouge:The Truth

**Epilogue – The Truth**

He slept beside me. Sometimes he thrashed about with uncomfortable memories springing into his head. But for now he was quiet the pain gone from all he had endured. I looked at the clock. Its red letters read 2:53am. Sighing I rolled out of bed my bare feet touching the cold floor. Quietly I crept to the bathroom. I looked at my disheveled appearance in the mirror and bit my lip. I reached forward my fingers and gripped the knob. I opened the door. I knew I would find it there sitting blatantly on the shelf. Its bottle and syringe mocking me that even I couldn't save him.

I knew he wasn't the same Spencer I had known when he was child. I knew he had grown and changed. I knew that and yet still loved him. But after his ordeal in Georgia…I didn't know if I could love the new Spencer that had formed from that life and death situation. I knew love is loving people with their faults and their insecurities. But I still love a man that had no loving qualities left? Whose innocence I had cherished? Whose faults I couldn't find? Who had loved me with a love so innocent it made me want to be a better person?

I couldn't answer these questions.

I knew what he had been doing. I knew what he was doing to himself, to me, to his career, to our relationship. I had been willing to ignore its signs. But I couldn't any longer. I couldn't let him do this to himself. I was going to have to confront him. And unfortunately I knew how it was going to end before we even began.


	2. Chapter One:Letting Go

A/N: I know I'm going to get a lot of crap for this chapter...but it'll be all worth it I swear!! and the next chapter will be something I've never done before so that should be quite interesting....

**Chapter One – Letting Go**

I placed the vial angrily down on the kitchen table. His eyes followed to where my hand had placed it. I couldn't tell if he was surprised I had found it or surprise that I was going to use it against him.

"Would you care to explain what that is?" I asked trying to keep emotion out of my voice.

"It's a 100 cubic centimeters of dilaudid."

I sighed. "I know that." I paused searching for the right words. "Why do you have it?"

He sat down almost as angrily as I had set the vial down. "I didn't want the police getting a hold of it."

"Just stop it," I said my voice rising.

"Stop what?"

"Oh don't pull that with me. You know very well that I know you've been using."

"I have not!" He tried to sound indignant like I had hurt his feelings.

"That's crap and you know it!" I gripped the kitchen chair in front of me my knuckles turning white. "You think I don't notice the dark circles, your mood swings, the lack of sleep, the needle marks…" My voice trailed off.

He looked up and said dangerously quiet, "I'm not a junkie."

I picked up the vial and threw it at him. He hastily tried to catch it before it smashed on the ground. He looked furious.

"Could you stop now if you wanted to?" I asked.

With shaky hands he placed the vial back down on the table. "It's not that simple," he said running his fingers through his hair.

"If you're not a junkie it should be!"

I had never been this angry with him. Hell, I had never been angry with him. Annoyed, yes, like the time he had forgotten to pick me up from the train station. Frustrated, yes, like when he kept forgetting to put the toilet seat down. But never angry.

He wouldn't meet my eyes but just kept turning the dilaudid over and over again in his hand.

"I don't want to talk about this," was all he said.

I took a deep breath and tried to steady myself. "You're going to need to let me help you." I walked around the table that had separated us. I took his free hand in mine and knelt down beside him. "I want to help you. Don't shut me out."

His other hand still clutched the poison that was flowing through his veins. His hand didn't hold mine back but clutched the vial more tightly. He wouldn't look me in the eyes.

"You can't help me….no one can help me."

I shoved his hand away and walked over to my purse on the counter. "Here's your apartment key," I said dropping it into his lap. "I'll mail you your things that you left at my house." I slung my purse over my arm and began to walk toward his apartment door. "I expect you to do the same thing."

I heard the scrape of the chair against the floor and before I knew it he had his hand gripped around my elbow. I spun around.

"You're going to throw away this six month relationship over something as miniscule as this?" he asked shock riddling his voice.

"What would you like me to do?" I asked angrily ripping my arm away. "You obviously don't want my help. And I am not going to stay around here as you bury yourself into an early grave." I wish I could feel tears beginning to form or feel like I was doing the wrong thing. But I didn't. I felt defiant and angry. And it hurt me more that I didn't want to burst into tears at the thought of leaving him again. "When you change your mind…then we'll talk."

"Beth…"

I closed my eyes unable to look at his face anymore. His pain and hurt and longing were all there. But underneath the surface I could see another set of emotions. Those I could handle better than the ones he was displaying on my face.

"When Jen called me from Georgia I thought I would never see you alive again. It was like losing you all over again." I paused and took a deep breath. "I will not go through that pain again. I will not stand here and pretend like nothing is happening. But since you won't let me help you…I'm leaving." I turned the doorknob and he didn't stop me this time.

"…Beth…" he repeated quieter this time.

"Goodbye Dr. Reid," I said turning around surveying him with his hands stuck awkwardly in his pockets. "I'll expect my things in the mail in a week's time."

And I shut the door on the man that I loved.

* * *

I began throwing items into a cardboard box. Toothbrush, socks, hairbrush, boxers, belts, books, the list could go on and on. Putting away Spencer's things in a box to be shipped made the impact of what I had just done more real. But it had to be done. I had to be firm and strong in the choice I had just made.

I was more angry than anything other emotion. Angry that he was too stubborn to listen. Angry that I wasn't strong enough to stay. Angry that he had almost died. Angry that this is how I was losing him again to his own human faults.

I threw the teddy bear he had given me into the box as well. I couldn't even begin to say how much he had agonized over giving that to me. I was his first girlfriend, his first love. He thought it would be childish to give me a stuffed animal. I was glad he had. It kept me company the many nights that he wasn't in my bed. When I hugged him to me it was almost like he was there beside me. Now it would cause me too much pain.

I rummaged through my bureau looking for things he might have left. On top of my sock drawer there laid one of his well worn and very old button-down shirts. It was blue stripped and the pocket was falling off with two buttons missing. I looked like a tiny child in it but it had smelled of him. I held it close to my face and breathed in deeply. It wasn't cologne or shampoo it was just him. I hesitated a second before throwing it into the box along with his other things.

I went through each room methodically checking every room for anything I might have missed. On my coffee table was a well worn copy of _Les Miserables_. I picked it up as tears sprang to my eyes. The first book he had ever read to me and he had kept it. I opened it to the inside cover.

In his messy handwriting it read on the inside cover:

_To My Love,_

_You have changed my life more than once and for that I thank you._

_'Whether true or false, what is said about men often has as much influence on their lives, and particularly on their destinies, as what they do' ~Victor Hugo_

_Spencer_

I felt the tears began to fall down my cheeks at what we had had but more importantly what we had lost. I carried it like a precious stone and placed it on my bedside table. I would never get rid of this. It would always serve of a reminder of what I had always dreamed of with Spencer. And hopefully what I could one day achieve with him.

I still held on to that hope.


	3. Chapter Two:The Past

A/N: Ok so this chapter is something i've never done before...its spencer's point of view. i'm afraid he might be slightly out of character but it explains alot about their past so don't be too mad....

**Chapter Two – The Past Hurts**

It had been 5 days, six hours, 35 minutes, and 43 seconds since Beth had walked out my door. I could do that calculation in my head without even thinking about it. There was no hesitation and no second guessing. That number was something tangible and evident simple even, unlike my feelings.

Yes, I was devastated when she left angry even. But I was also relieved. She wouldn't have to sit here and watch me waste away because I didn't want to stop this addiction. This is why I hadn't told her I knew her back in Alabama. This is why I had fought my illogical feelings for so long.

Because I loved her too much. The thought of knowing I would hurt her eventually tore me apart every day. It gave me some peace knowing that I could no longer hurt her. I wondered if that was normal to feel relief about the love of your life leaving you. I assumed not but when had I ever been normal?

Her angry and upset face swirled in front of me. Though she had tried to hide it well I could see the pain in her eyes, the hurt, and the tears just there. I shook my head to clear the image. I knew it was just chemical reactions in my mind making me have a hallucination of sorts. But it opened a wound that I didn't know that I had.

The dilaudid was sitting in my hand. It would only take 5 cc's to get rid of this pain. That was it. I wouldn't have to think about all the pain I had put her through, or the love that I still harbored for her. I could get lost.

I stood up from my couch and went to my bedroom. I flung open the glass medicine cabinet in my bathroom that was attached to it and found a syringe. I sat on my bed pulling my belt out from its loops. I tightened it around my forearm putting it on the last notch. A vein popped out and my skin tingled with the anticipation of the needle entering it. I ripped off the cap from the needle with my teeth and deftly pulled out the 5 cc's my body was craving. And as the drug entered my bloodstream I entered a comforting high.

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I moved carefully into the church pew. I hated going here and listening to this. My mom had insisted that we go though. She had been more adamant since dad had left. I looked down at my interlaced fingers. She hadn't even let me bring a book. A family moved into the same row next to us.

"I will sock you, Kevin." The girl said quite adamant about the threat.

"Beth, Kevin stop it this instant." The words had come from their mother.

"All I said was that she looked nice," Kevin paused, "in pink."

"That doesn't sound that bad," their father said.

"But he knows I hate wearing it," she crossed her arms and sat down right next to me in a huff. "I hate pink. He's just saying it to make me feel bad."

I looked up at the girl called Beth. Her eyes were a clear blue and freckles went covered her cheeks. Her curls bounced with every word she had spoken. I thought she looked nice. She was in a baby doll pink dress with white shoes. She saw me looking and smiled. I ducked my head unable to meet her eyes.

"You two will behave," their mother said sitting in between them.

Everyone quieted down as the service began. I kept my eyes locked on my interlaced fingers. I saw a slip of paper fall on top of them.

_**Hi. I'm Beth.**_

Could she honestly be writing to me? I looked up confused. She smiled and handed me the pencil she had somehow smuggled in.

_**I'm Spencer.**_ I wrote back.

_**It's nice to meet you.**_

_**It's nice to have someone to talk to here.**_ I wrote. I was happy she didn't think me odd, or out of place, well yet.

_**I really like your glasses**_.

I unconsciously pushed them up the bridge of my nose. I looked back up could she honestly be serious. She bit her lower lip. She was honestly waiting for my response.

I paused before writing. _**I really like pink.**_

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I poured vinegar into the film canister and put the lid quickly on it. Shaking it the baking soda quickly reacted with it I placed it on the ground. The canister flew high into the air with a pop. I heard a squeal of delight. I turned around.

A ten-year-old Beth stood on the curb of the road her hands clasped in delight. Her curlswere even curlier and they bounced against her freckled cheeks. My eleven-year-old self smiled at her happy. It was so easy to make her happy, so easy to please her. She didn't ask for much but I gave her all I had.

She ran over to me. "How'd you do it?" she asked her voice filled with excitement.

"A magician never reveals his secrets," I responded my smile widening at her annoyance.

"Aw, Spence. That's not fair!"

Her curls bounced in frustration and she put her hands on her hips. She was right in front of me now just about eye level with me. She pouted and she never looked cuter.

I took her hand and said, "Come on. Let's go out back and you can pick a book."

Her face brightened as she ran into my house. I followed her. My mom was thankfully at work. Although Beth was fine with her I didn't like her around when she was having one of her episodes. I walked out the sliding glass door and she was already in the hammock as it went lazily back and forth her tiny bare feet sticking out from the side. I joined her lying down beside her.

"Which book did you chose?" I asked taking it from her. She blushed as I read the title. "Les Miserables again?"

"Please, Spencer it's my favorite!" she pleaded.

It was her favorite. It had been the first book I had read to her. She loved books. But she had never read anything like that before so I read it to her. It was still her favorite. I couldn't deny her the pleasure. How could I say no?

"Alright but just this once," I said opening the book.

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I quietly snuck in the back of the auditorium and took a seat. No one had noticed me the parents were too focused on the assembled students in their caps and gowns. She wasn't hard to pick out. Her blonde hair and pale skin stuck out like a beacon in the middle of the night. She hadn't changed much. She still looked like the Beth I had known.

The Principal came up and spoke, then the class president, and then the Valedictorian. And it was Beth. She gracefully stood up from her chair on the side and moved to the podium. She opened her mouth and it was like I had never left her. She spoke with such authority and charm. She left inspiration with a realistic outlook. God how I had missed her all of her, her laugh, her smile, her lyrical style of voice, her stance, her hand movements. I know she had only been eleven when I left but somehow she hadn't changed at all. She finished and sat with a standing ovation. She blushed at the attention.

They began to call the students to receive their diplomas. I waited anxiously for her name to be called.

"…Elizabeth Smalls. Graduating with High Honors. Going to Penn State University in hopes of becoming an English Professor."

A roar went up from the crowd as she stood. I watched her move from the seat and accept everything that they handed her. She moved her braid on her cap and sat back down. I smiled at her obvious discomfort. The ceremony ended with great shouts and some boys throwing their caps into the air. The newly graduated seniors rushed from the stands to find loved ones.

I stood in the back watching Beth rush towards her parents. Her curls bouncing against her flushed cheeks. Both were crying. She punched Kevin playfully in the arm before enveloping him in a hug of her own. I moved forward to say something to her but then I saw her turn around and get enveloped in a hug from a boy. He picked her up and spun her around. I could hear her laugh resound around the auditorium. He put her down and she soundly kissed him.

I stopped dead in my tracks. She wouldn't want me here. I shouldn't be here. What had I expected? I had been reading too much. Novels aren't true they're just people's sad fantasies on paper. I turned around and left the happy family. I went back to my own hell without her.

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I stood quickly scanning the shelves barely reading titles and authors. I needed a new book to add to my knowledge something that would help me in the long run. I glanced down at my wrist. I had thirty minutes until my next class plenty of time to read a 300 page book.

My eyes suddenly stopped. An author's name had caught my title. Elizabeth Smalls stood out in bold gold lettering. I took it off the shelf and opened the back cover. Her smiling face was there in black and white. My fingers lightly traced her features. Still every smiling dimple cheeked Beth.

I looked back on the shelf and saw more books of hers next to the one I had picked up. I didn't normally buy books but today was going to be an exception. I picked up the few other novels she had written and walked back to the front of the store to purchase them.

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JJ stood there in front of us all.

"Everyone," she said showing Beth to the team, "this is Dr. Elizabeth Smalls. She's going to be helping us on our next case." Everyone stood up to her. I didn't move from my spot of leaning on the desk. I was rapidly flipping through her book. "This is Special Agent Aaron Hotchner," she said nodding to him.

Hotch reached out, shook her hand and said, "Pleasure to meet you Dr. Smalls." I could tell he wasn't going to warm up to her fast.

"You too Agent Hotchner," she smiled at him.

Emily came over and gave her a warm shake, "I'm Special Agent Emily Prentiss. It is nice to finally meet you Dr. Smalls."

Before she could say anything Morgan immediately overtook her. "I'm Special Agent Derek Morgan, but just call me Morgan. Wow!" he exclaimed taking a step back, "you're last name really does fit you. Did you plan that?"

I almost see her dimples flash from my reading point. "Yes."

"Hi. I'm Penelope Garcia, the computer geek and resident oracle of the BAU." She stepped out from behind Morgan and shook her hand. "You don't see much of me but you hear a lot from me."

"Well I am glad I saw you once so I can remember who you are."

"I do have a habit of slipping from people's minds," her voice trailed off and she glared at Morgan.

She didn't realize how easily she was fitting in with everyone. That everyone was warming up to her. She knew how to read people and use that to her advantage. I wondered if she did it knowingly or subconsciously.

"Special Agent Jason Gideon," JJ said taking back control of the introductions.

Gideon said, "Hello Dr. Smalls. You're paper comparing the Bronte sister's work is quite extraordinary."

"Thank you," she said happily. "It is one of my favorite pieces that I wrote. I'm quite proud of it. I've always been interested in the group dynamic of author's who live in close proximity to one another. How their personal relationships influence the characters and lives that they write about."

I could tell Gideon liked her already. "It is how writers interpret the world around them that make them different. You have done well yourself in that regard."

I could feel the blush creep into her cheeks. "I see you've been reading some of my novellas. Quite silly aren't they?"

"No, no not really. You managed to tackle an important issue every novel you wrote about; from race, to poverty, to religion, to death, to war. You covered everything that we feel prejudiced about. Quite extraordinary really."

I stared at the pages in my hand. I had to agree with Gideon. It was extraordinary that she had done so much at such a young age. More remarkable than myself. I had a medical reason that I was the way I was. She had done it through hard work and perseverance.

"Oh, well thank you very much," she said a little shell shocked.

"And this is Special Agent Dr. Spencer Reid," JJ said.

I put down the book I had been reading. I could see recognition in her eyes at the title and confusion as to what I was doing with. She looked exactly the same, same freckles, same coloring, and same curly hair. She just looked older more mature. I noticed her form. She was no longer the child I had known. But a woman. But was she still the same on the inside?

I smiled and did my typical wave. She had still remembered that I wouldn't take her hand so she held it back.

"Nice to meet you Dr. Reid," she said smiling back.

And I knew that she hadn't changed at all. And I knew right then and there that I couldn't let her remember me. We couldn't become friends or anything more than that. I would blacken her skies and ruin her nights. I couldn't hurt her no matter how much it hurt me in the process.

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I awoke from my high state groggy and confused. It was dark outside my window. I could feel tears threatening to overflow from my eyes. I knew I had been wrong every step of the way. Nothing I could do when it came to relationships would be the right thing. I was inadequate. There was no book to read or mathematical equation to help me solve this problem. I couldn't profile our relationship.

It had been 6 days, 8 hours, 54 minutes, and 5 seconds since Beth had walked out and nothing had changed. And not even dilaudid could save me from my anguish.


	4. Chapter Three: Packages

A/N: so whose ready for a case? I know I am!!! let the fun begin!

**Chapter Three – Packages**

I sat in my office at William and Mary with my red pen in my mouth. My office was in on the sunny side of the English department building and the sunlight streaming through my room was almost blinding. I had few personal items in my office. A few pictures of me and my family a few of my favorite books but everything else was work related. Files upon files. Annotated books stacked everywhere. Whatever I couldn't fit in my office at home I squeazed into this office here.

I was pouring over a term paper on the reflections of Jane Austen's personal life into her work. My office hours were normally only on Wednesday but I found I couldn't be at home. It reminded me too much of him. So I was spending more and more time buried in my work. It felt good. I had only cried once and I meant to keep it that way.

I chewed on the red pen thoughtfully reading over the student's thesis statement again. I made a quick marginal note and went back to chewing the cap. There was a knock on my door. I stopped chewing and looked up startled.

"Hey Doc."

"It's Dr. Smalls, Mr. Worthington and I will remind you again not to forget it."

Tom Worthington, the schools star football player and only two years younger than me, leaned against the doorway like he owned the place. His curly brown hair stuck out at odd places and he looked a bit hung over. His large frame made him intimidating and his tone of voice made me feel like I was inferior. He was a nuisance to every girl teacher on campus. And if it had been legal I would have him expelled for thinking he could sleep with me.

I sighed and removed my glasses. "How can I help you?"

He came in from the doorway and sat in the chair in front of my desk.

"I wanted to know if you were available for tonight." He slouched in the chair and flashed a smile.

"Go get a girl your own age, Mr. Worthington." I reapplied my glasses and went back to grading the term paper. "I don't go for younger men."

I could feel his annoyance. "Oh common," he said his hands suddenly around my wrists blocking my paper, "not even one date?" I could feel his grip tighten.

I slammed my hands down standing up abruptly and looked him straight in the eye. "Mr. Worthington there is a strict no teacher-student dating policy. And if you do not leave right now I will call security."

He smiled like he had just won a battle. "Ok ok I'm leaving _Doctor_ Smalls," he said going back to the door. "But think about it." He winked and left. If he had been close enough I would have punched him. I didn't care if it got me fired. I would be every girl's hero on this campus.

I sat back down and began to massage my temples. I had been single for eight days and already it was like I never had been dating Spencer at all. No one was considering what I was going through. I had said I had broken up with him but I hadn't said why. I blew it off like it was no big deal. But inside I was breaking slowly falling. JJ meant well but she wanted to take me out to a bar. I just couldn't take men coming up to me and asking for my number. I still felt like I was taken. My mind hadn't switched to single mode. And in a way I never knew if I was going to feel single again. I didn't want to break up with Spencer but I had too to prove a point. That's what I felt like I was doing all the time, proving points. I just wanted him and nothing else. But I couldn't I had to be stronger than that.

I finished grading the paper and placed it in a pile. I picked one up on the comparison of Mina Harker against her fiancé Jonathan Harker emotional characteristics. The cap on my pen was being slowly worn down. There was another knock on my door.

Without looking up I said, "Mr. Worthington I told you to leave-"

"I'm here to deliver a package Ma'm."

I looked up startled. "I'm sorry." I tried to cover quickly by rising and going over to the delivery man from UPS.

I satrted to get annoyed because I knew who it was from. Spencer couldn't even have the decency to send my things to my apartment? He had to send them to my office? I felt a quick stab of pain at the knowledge and my hands began to shake with quiet anger. He had no respect left for me. He sent my stuff to my office not my home but my office. We were now not even friends we were now colleagues or mutual acquaintances.

"Are you Dr. Elizabeth Smalls?"

"Yes," I said sounding aggravated. "Do I need to sign anything? What about a tip?"

"Everything's taken care of Ma'm." He handed me the box. It looked rather small to be the one of my thing's from Spencer's apartment.

"Thanks," I said.

"Have a good day." He left leaving me with the box.

"You too," I called to him down the hallway.

I took the box back to my desk moving my papers aside. I felt the need to check to make sure everything I needed was inside. I took a letter opener from my desk and sliced off the tape. I opened it there was a note in a script I didn't recognize sitting atop packing peanuts. _**Elizabeth**_ was written across it in big loopy letters. I picked it up and opened it.

It read:

**_Thus from my lips, by thine,_** **_my sin is purged._**

Confused I placed it on my desk and dug into the peanuts until I felt a Tupperware container. I pulled it out. I surveyed it. I couldn't see anything inside. My fingers fumbled with the lid and I opened it. There sitting at the bottom were two perfect lips. I could feel the bile rising up in my throat. I collapsed into my chair and shoved the container away from me. My hands were shaking. I couldn't get the thought out of my mind that they looked like Spencer's.


	5. Chapter Four:This Calls for Backup

A/N: Okay, so we all know it wasn't spencer but their is a point to it looking like his which will come up later i swear!! thank you for the faithful reviews and encouragements

**Chapter Four – This Calls For Backup**

SPENCER POV

I was sitting at my desk trying to go through paperwork from the last case. Normally it would have taken me 29 minutes and 54 seconds to finish it but I couldn't concentrate. I was just staring at the paper tapping my pencil to the beat of Bach's Suite 6 G Major the Violin Arrangement. It was one of Beth's favorites and I couldn't get it out of my head. I was more of a Beethoven fan myself but somehow the absence of Beth had made me crave Bach. I ran to the store begging for a CD of all his compositions. And now I couldn't sleep without listening to it. It was like she was there in the other room studying or humming horribly off key or making breakfast or coming to bed or grading papers.

My fingers itched for the top right hand drawer. I could feel my body beginning to crave the dilaudid. I wanted to get Bach out of my mind to get Beth out of there too.

I could feel Morgan watching me from his desk.

"You ok, Reid?" he asked not moving from his spot.

I nodded not looking up and stopped my tapping as the Suite finished in my head.

"You sure? You've been sitting there for 45 minutes staring at the same piece of paper." He paused. "Look, kid, if you want to talk about what happened with you and Beth my door is always open."

"I assure you, I'm fine."

He sighed and went back to filling out his paperwork. He wouldn't get anything out of me unless I told him. I wasn't in the mood to discuss this with anyone. No one would understand. They were profilers they could empathize but not understand. I tried focusing on the work before me but the words were swimming before my eyes. I put my head in my hands I could feel a headache coming on, a symptom of withdrawal.

I heard the slam of JJ's office door. She was on her cell phone. I looked up her face was pale and pained.

"Whoa whoa slow down," she said trying to hide the panic in her voice. "What happened?" She nodded a few times. "Are you ok?" Pause. "Are you sure?" She motioned to Morgan and I. Emily came out of JJ's office confused by her sudden departure. I grabbed my gun and placed it in my holster. Morgan did the same. I grabbed my bag as well. "Of course we'll be right over. Just stay put." She hung up. We all looked at her confused.

"What's going on?" Emily asked worry marking her forehead.

"Emily go and get Hotch and Gideon." She left and JJ looked to us. "Beth received a package," JJ said quickly glancing at me. I looked at her confused. "It had a note...and human lips in it." I felt my stomach drop to my toes.

* * *

BETH POV

I sat outside of my office. I had my hands in JJ's. I didn't really need soothing I was fine but it felt good to have my friend there. Morgan kneeled in front of me.

"Do you know who could have sent this to you?" he asked his voice deep with worry.

I shook my head.

"You haven't gotten any threatening notes? Or strange looks? Or anyone following you?" I shook my head no to everything.

"I haven't noticed anything out of the ordinary or I would have told Jen about it." He stood back up. "Oh, but I know what the note is from." He crouched back down looking at me intently. "It's a quote: 'Thus from my lips, by thine, my sin is purged'. It's from Romeo and Juliet."

Spencer appeared behind him. He looked terrible. His hair was a mess, dark circles were under his eyes, his shirt was somewhat messily put on. I could tell he was stressed, and tired, and not himself.

"Act I Scene V Line 106." His eyes met mine and I wanted to stand and fall into his arms to feel safe once more. I wanted to comfort him and baby him and he could do the same for me. But I didn't I held fast to my seat and drew strength from JJ sitting next to me.

"You haven't been kissing anyone have you Beth?" Morgan asked gravely but I could sense a teasing undertone. I saw Spencer visibly tense.

I laughed at the absurdity of the question. "No…no I have not." He relaxed at my words.

JJ stood up block my view of Spencer. "Come on, Beth. I'll take you home."

"No, I'm fine really Jen," I said standing up and shaking her hands off of me. I deliberately avoided looking Spencer in the eyes. "And I have all those papers to finish grading."

Emily appeared behind the two men. She had a stack of papers and folders that she was trying to balance in her arms. And a coat over a free arm. She smiled.

"I have all your papers for you."

Great, now I had to go home. "Thanks Emily," I said smiling back. "Come on Jen." I nodded my head for her to follow me. "You're driving," I called back to her.

CMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMMCMCMMCMCMCMMCMCMCMCMMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCM

"Thanks for coming Jen," I said as we waited for the car to warm up.

It was forty degrees outside in January a bit warmer than it had been for the past few weeks. It had been threatening to sleet for a few hours now. Her face was prettily pink from the cold and her ponytail swung back and forth as she nodded.

"Well it's definitely a case that we can hand over to the police," she said as she flicked the heat on. I placed my chapped hands in front of the heater hoping to gain the circulation back. She backed out of the parking space and said, "Why did you think Spencer hasn't sent you your belongings yet?"

I sighed. "I have no idea honestly." I folded my arms across my chest. "But it's only been a few weeks and I never kept a lot of things at his apartment anyway."

She nodded and silence enveloped us in the ten minute drive to my apartment. I watched the trees and houses whizz by me. It was all a blur. My body was aching for a touch, an acknowledgement from him, a smile, something, anything. I had always missed him when he went away but this time the pain was acute. It was because I knew I wouldn't see him again anytime soon. I couldn't keep a countdown on my calendar or call him up when I missed him. He had gone someplace that I could not follow; someplace that I could not get to through telephone. It had to be the most discouraging feeling of my entire life. And the only cure I found for it was to work myself into exhaustion every night so that I wouldn't dream.

JJ turned off the car knocking me out of my reverie.

"He's gotten a lot worse Beth after you dumped him," she said as we climbed out of the car. "He almost missed a case a few days ago, he shows up later and later for work, he won't even talk to Gideon about it…"

Her voice trailed off as we mounted the steps to my door. I sighed. I couldn't help him if he wasn't even going to let Gideon help him. I went to the mail holder just to the side of my door.

Taking the papers out I said, "I don't know what to do, Jen. He turned into someone that I still love but he won't let me in. He won't let me help him." I fumbled with my keys under her gaze. "When he wants to be saved I'll be the first one there to pick up the pieces…if he'll let me back into his life…if he still even loves me…."

I opened the door and set down the mail and all my files on the hall table. Jane was sleeping lazily on the couch and Mina was on the counter. She jumped down after I severely scolded her. I began to furiously open my mail ripping the envelopes not even caring if I damaged the contents. I could feel JJ staring at me and began to angrily sort the mail. She grabbed me by the shoulders and forced me to look at her.

"He still loves you, Beth." I stopped mid-rip and studied her words. "Just don't give up on him."

"He's given up on himself." She dropped her hands from my shoulders.

"I know which is why we can't."

I ignored her words and finished ripping the letter I held in my hands. I studied it trying to get my previous actions out of my head. I knew I had handled it poorly. I knew I had gone about this all wrong. But my pride was getting in the way. I had never crawled back to a man before and I was about to start doing that now. Even if that man happened to be Spencer Reid.

My mind focused back on the letter. Horror grew as I comprehended what I was reading.

_Elizabeth,_

_After great pain, a formal feeling comes--_

The Nerves sit ceremonious, like Toombs--

The stiff Heart questions was it He, that bore,

And Yesterday, or Centuries before?

The Feet, mechanical, go round--

Of Ground, or Air, or Ought—

_A Wooden way_

Regardless grown,

A Quartz contentment, like a stone--

This is the Hour of Lead--

Remembered, if outlived,

As Freezing persons recollect the Snow--

First--Chill--then Stupor--then the letting go--

_A Friend_

I shakily handed the letter to JJ. She read it and understood immediately that it had come from the same person who had given the lips. He knew where I lived, where I worked-what else did he know about me? I was scared. I was being comforted by someone I did not know. But they obviously knew my situation and my pain. It was like going crazy when no one believes what you see is fact. My head was swimming from the many implications. JJ dragged me back out of the house and into the car before I could say another two words.

"Where going to Quantico," she said before I could object. She was spooked. I had never seen her this freaked out before. I wasn't going to object. "I'll send somebody back to get your things. And to take care of Mina and Jane."

I peered out of the window. I didn't know when I would see my apartment again. It was so familiar to me. I was going to miss it terribly.

JJ started speeding down the highway well over the speed limit. Yes, she was definitely worried. I closed my eyes and tried to block this day out of my mind. I tried to think of something else but all I saw was his face creeping back into my mind. I wanted comfort and security that only a man could provide. JJ must have sensed this and grabbed my hand as we hurtled towards Quantico.

But it wasn't enough and I wondered if it ever would be.


	6. Chapter Five:Seclusion

_A/N: sorry this has taken so long. school and finals and crap and yeah...but here you go, enjoy!_

**Chapter Five – Seclusion**

Beth POV

"Jen," I said whining like a small child, "I can't stay here until this all blows over. I have work and a life. I can't just drop everything and hide like a scared rabbit."

JJ was sitting at a rickety old table in a crappy kitchen in an even crappier hotel in Quantico. She was just aimlessly tapping her fingers against the cheap fake wood table trying to ignore my complaints. I had been whisked away into a safe house as soon as we had gotten back to the BAU. I hadn't been allowed to contact anyone myself; no goodbyes, no nothing. Now I was in protective custody and I was not going anywhere.

JJ checked her watch, and stretched. I sighed at her obvious disregard to my question and went back to grading papers on the couch. The dim light was making it hard to see the printed words on the page. Even though it was three in the afternoon all the shades were shut 'for my safety'. I threw down my papers from my prone position and went to open the shade of the window that was on the closest wall.

"Don't even think about it," JJ said as soon as she surmised what I was doing.

I gave a snort of protest but flounced back down on the couch defeated.

"I'm bored," I said. Silence from JJ. "Will you at least talk to me?"

"No, I'm leaving soon."

I pouted and crossed my arms. "So you can't talk to me?"

Silence.

The door opened to the room. JJ bolted upright and drew her gun. Her sudden movement and sound made me sit bolt upright from my position on the couch. Morgan walked in with his hands up in the air and a smile on his face. JJ holstered her gun and scowled at him.

"You're supposed to knock, Morgan." She crossed her arms defiantly.

"Sorry, must have missed the memo."

"This is not funny."

Morgan's face grew serious at her tone. "Look," Morgan said, "you're overreacting a bit, JJ. He's obviously not trying to hurt her." He was pointedly ignoring me on the couch. "He's trying to help her get over the fact that she and Reid broke up." His arms crossed just like JJ's. "She doesn't need to be here."

She drew herself up to her full height, barely coming over his shoulder. "She is staying and you are watching her."

Morgan dropped his offensive stance and put his hands in the air in defense. "I didn't say I wasn't going to but just calm down a bit ok?"

JJ visibly relaxed a bit but kept her arms crossed. "She doesn't leave." Again I wasn't in the room. "Not for anything."

"Yes, Ma'm." Morgan smiled. "I get it."

She grabbed her coat and began to button it up all the way to her chin. Shoving on her gloves she said, "If you need anything call me." She closed the open door with a slam behind her.

Morgan and I both watched her go with some satisfaction.

"So, when do I get to eat?" I asked Morgan brightly. "I'm not picky; Pizza maybe?"

"Reid is stopping by with food at five and knowing him he'll be punctual as always. So don't expect it a second sooner."

I flopped back onto the couch. Silence permeated the room again. I picked up the remote and began flipping through the channels; Nothing, nothing, and still nothing. I shut it off. Morgan was sitting at the chair JJ had just occupied. His fingers drumming the same beat she had.

I had had enough.

"This must be why people crack in penitentiary cells. It's so boring."

Morgan chuckled. "I would take you out but…"

I cut his voice off with a humph. "Oh screw Jen. Whoever this guys is he obviously isn't trying to hurt me. He sent me the lips because they looked like Spencer's and the note was to lift my spirits. It's a Dickinson poem about moving on after losing love. And don't even try to say it isn't; I know what I'm talking about."

Morgan looked at me from my lying position on the couch; a few long seconds past. "Come one and grab your coat." I bolted upright. He glanced at his watch. "We have enough time to catch a movie before Reid gets here."

I threw on my coat and wrapped my red scarf around my neck. I thrust my hands into my pockets and walked through the door Morgan had opened for me. I felt a thrill go through my body. It was like sneaking out without your parents knowing. I felt like a teenager again.

"What movie did you have in mind?" I asked Morgan as I watched him lock the hotel door.

"Lady's choice." Morgan smiled his typical charismatic charm coming through.

We strolled arm and arm down the hallway to the elevator. "You're going to regret that response," I said countering with a smile of my own.

* * *

Spencer POV

I was staring at a photocopy of the poem my eyes beginning to blur the lines together.

_After great pain a formal feeling comes--_

_The nerves sit ceremonious like tombs;_

_The stiff Heart questions--was it He that bore?_

_And yesterday--or centuries before?_

It was an Emily Dickinson poem. My mind raced through the information I knew. It came to me before my eyes as suddenly as if the page from the book itself had.

She uses alliteration for emphasis: f sounds in line 1, s sounds in the rest of the stanza. H sounds tie together "Heart" and "He." Notice the alliteration in the next stanzas; sometimes it involves only two words. This poem has no speaker, no "I." The sufferer is dehumanized, perhaps until the last two lines. The sufferer is an object in line 1; the formal feeling "comes" upon or acts on her or him; the sufferer is passive, submissive. Then the sufferer is described in terms of body parts--nerves, heart, feet. The gender of the sufferer is not indicated.

I moved on to the second stanza.

_The feet, mechanical, go round_

_A wooden way_

_Of ground, or air, or ought,_

_Regardless grown,_

_A quartz contentment, like a stone._

The feet (means of movement) represent going about daily routines ("ground, or air, or ought"). But we do this in a "mechanical" and a "wooden" way--further dehumanization and deadness. "Ought" may be read as meaning ""nothing," like zero; or it may stand for obligations, that is, all the things we ought to do. "Regardless grown" means having lost regard or concern for things or living. Finally, there is the irony of feeling an emotion which is "quartz contentment." Obviously, "quartz contentment" is an oxymoron.

And finally I analyzed the last stanza.

_This is the hour of lead_

_Remembered if outlived,_

_As freezing persons recollect the snow--_

_First chill, then stupor, then the letting go._

The time of numbness has been shortened from the century of stanza one; its end is nearing; However, to the sufferer time hangs heavy ("lead") or drags slowly. So "hour of lead" is also an oxymoron. With line 2, the full force and danger of experiencing the agony are introduced--"if outlived." The sufferer may not survive the pain. The poem closes with a simile or comparison of the sufferer to "freezing persons." "Freezing," as opposed to "frozen," indicates action that is currently happening, that is in process or not yet completed. The sufferer has moved on to the next stage and is undergoing the freezing or releasing of the agonized feelings.

But how did this help finding our killer? How did this allow us to see into his mind? I felt like my head was swimming in circles, a feeling I had rarely experienced before. He was trying to protect Beth that much I knew. Protect her from me. That painful thought cut through my stomach like a knife. He was trying to save her from the pain of losing me. I tossed the poem down angry at how much this fact was bothering me. I closed my eyes but the word _friend_ was burned into my mind. How dare he sign his letter like that. He didn't know her. He didn't know how she thought, what she liked, how she laughed

I glanced down at my watch the face read 3:30. I weighed the options of going over to the safe house. The police hadn't given over jurisdiction to the FBI with the case yet so we could do nothing. Beth would probably be released from the safe house within a day or two there was no reason for her to stay long. I could feel Emily watching me out of the corner of her eye but she kept her head down as much as possible.

I grabbed the poem and hastily stuffed it into my bag. It was only a photocopy nothing more. No one would miss it. I had to keep it and study it. I slung my bag over my shoulder and holstered my gun on my hip. I nodded a farewell to Hotch as he stood on the railing watching the proceedings.

Gideon was staying in his office. He had been retreating more and more. I wondered if it had anything to do with what happened in Georgia. I wondered if the team was noticing similar changes in me. I knew they were. It was a team of profilers after all.

I walked toward the exit of the building. I ignored the security guard's call of 'have a nice day' not because I wanted to but because I wasn't sure how to respond. If Beth had been there she would have said, "You too" or "See you tomorrow" bright and cheery like the sun. I could see her curls bouncing before me and her dimples flashing as she smiled. I shook that thought out of my head. No need to think about her.

My hands were stuffed as deep as they could go into my jean pockets and braced myself against the cold wind. I had forgotten my jacket this morning in my drugged induced haze. Beth would have made sure I would have taken one and gloves and a hat and a scarf….

I cut my mind off of that thought process again. Our past was over and done with. It should have been over and done with over fifteen years ago when I went to college. But a demented twisted physics law kept throwing us together, or maybe it was Einstein's, or Newton…but it was most certainly not fate, or kismet, or karma, or destiny. Those concepts were developed by people who could not understand that way the world reacted, changed and evolved. They were just delusions. They weren't hard facts or mathematical theorems or proven laws. They didn't amount to anything.

I slammed my car door to emphasize the point in my mind. I turned the key in my ignition and sat waiting for my Volvo to warm up. I would rationalize myself through this. It was that simple. Even if I had to seclude myself from everyone I would do it. I leaned my forehead against the steering wheel. My mind began to spin again and I felt a headache coming on. I looked over at my bag that I had thrown haphazardly onto the seat. The dilaudid had fallen out of my bag and had rolled onto the passenger's seat. It would be just as easy as rationalizing. I could take some and then everything would make sense.

I looked at my car clock. I still had plenty of time to still stop by the safe house with food. I could go home and escape every heartache and every decision I had made so far. I flipped on the heat and pulled out of my parking space. I was going to go into my own mind where everything made sense and everything happened with a logical outcome. I needed my own seclusion.


	7. Chapter Six: Mistakes

_A/N: Sorry this chapter is sooooo late but i really slaved over it. If its confusing or things don't amke snes I'm sorry but this was hard for me to write. Hopefully the next chapters will be easier._

**Chapter Six – Mistakes**

Beth POV

"That is what we call a chick flick, Morgan," I said throwing a piece of popcorn at him as we walked out of the movie theater. "Don't make fun of it."

"Why did I ever agree to let you pick a movie?" he said in mock disbelief.

I buttoned up my jacket and adjusted my scarf. "You could learn quite a bit about girl psychology from that movie. You really should have been taking notes."

He laughed. "I'm a criminal profiler Beth. I think I can handle women if I can look at a crime scene and tell you the unsubs age, height, looks, and about his or her childhood."

I walked through the door he opened for me. "Yes, but criminals don't change their MO; girls do."

He nodded. "You sure do." I smiled knowing I had won. He took out his phone to turn it back on. "Uh oh," he said stopping dead in his tracks. "We've been found out and they've left 7 voicemails, 12 texts, and 21 missed calls."

"Damn," I muttered. "Who ratted us out?"

But Morgan wasn't listening he was calling back whoever had rained on our parade. I stood there shivering in the cold. I looked up in the sky and saw in growing darker as the sun set and clouds gathered.

I watched Morgan intently and chewed on a piece of popcorn. "Calm down." Pause. "Yes, she's fine." Longer pause. "She was bored and wanted to see a movie. So I took her." He was trying very hard not to roll his eyes. "He's obviously not going to hurt her when I'm with her." He glanced at me and I smiled. "Well, you weren't supposed to show up until 5. We still have ten minutes to get back to the motel."

"Damn," I muttered again. It was Spencer.

"No, I will drive us back." He turned the phone off angrily but smiled at me as he put it in his pocket. "Reid was worried about you."

"I noticed." I smiled back.

"No like _really_ worried." He laughed.

I threw another piece of popcorn at him. "You're not funny, Morgan."

* * *

Spencer POV

I knocked on the door to Room 26 of the motel. I quickly stuffed my hand back into my jacket as deep as it could go. It was horribly chapped. I knew I should have grabbed gloves earlier that morning. There was no answer. I knocked again. I sighed and dug in my bag for the key. Swiping it in the key holder I opened the door. I expected to see Morgan sitting at the table and Beth spread out on the couch or vice versa but neither of them where there.

"Morgan? Beth?" I asked timidly. "Morgan? Beth?" I called slightly louder.

Nothing. I panicked. The stalker had come and taken her. He had decided to save her from me. I took out my cell phone and called Morgan; straight to voicemail. I tried again. Nothing. I texted. I left more voicemails. Where were they? I knew I was acting irrationally but I didn't care. I needed to know she was safe. I needed to know she was fine. This was killing me. I couldn't call JJ this would freak her out even more. I couldn't tell Gideon or Hotch or Emily. I sat on the couch and placed my head in my hands. I knew I shouldn't have stayed in the office. I should have been with her. I shouldn't have left her side for one moment. But I had and this had happened. For being a genius I was such an idiot.

I glanced at the clock it read 4 hours 37 minutes and 49 seconds. If they weren't back by five I was going to panic. I kept calling, kept texting, kept leaving messages. Morgan was going to have to pick up eventually.

After calling for the 28th time I threw my cell phone against the couch. I looked down at my hands they were shaking. Shaking from fear or anger or concern I wasn't sure. I clenched them tightly together to try and control it. It made them look old and the knuckles were white from my grip. All I could envision in my mind was Beth in the dinner with Ellsbury; her bruised face and swollen eyes from tears; Beth being pinned up against the couch with a knife at her throat; her eyes wide in shock and terror. I shook my head to clear those horrifying images from my mind's eye. But they remained distorting what I knew made sense and what my nightmares were.

My phone buzzed and I jumped out of my seat. I dug hastily in the couch cushions looking for my phone. The name Morgan flashed across the screen.

"Where are you?" I demanded.

"Calm down," Morgan replied his calm voice not helping my worry.

"Where is Beth? Is she ok? Did something happen?" It all came out in one breath the words coming out over top of each other.

I could hear the amusement in his voice. "Yes, she's fine."

"Well, where are you and why aren't you here?" My voice was rising with anger but also with relief. She was ok and my delusions vanished. "You were supposed to stay here with her. You weren't supposed to leave."

"She was bored and wanted to see a movie. So I took her."

"You risked her life to take her to a movie?" I asked disbelief heavy in my voice. "She could have been killed. Someone is stalking her Morgan. Did you ever stop to think about?" I took a breath. "JJ will be furious with your carelessness if she finds out. He could have kidnapped her or stabbed her or shot her-"

Morgan cut me off of my rant. "He's obviously not going to hurt her when I'm with her."

I took a deep breath again trying to make sure I remained calm: control, logic, facts, and books. These were things that made sense to me. Not what I felt when I was with Beth. Not what I felt when I thought she was hurt or missing or dead. These were too indefinable, too intangible, and too illogical for me to comprehend.

"So you decide not to leave a note or tell me where you're going?" My voice now mixed with confusion and hurt.

Morgan took the tone as though he were speaking to a small child. "Well, you weren't supposed to show up until 5. We still have ten minutes to get back to the motel."

I shook my head frustrated. "Can I come pick you up? It's been threatening to sleet all day and it's a long way back to walk."

"No, I will drive us back." Morgan hung up.

I took my bag off from around my shoulder and placed it next to me on the floor. I stared at the blank screen of the television waiting for them. The door opened and I could hear Beth giggling from the other side. I stood up and tried to look less exacerbated than I had been but I knew she could see right through it. I wanted to do nothing more than hold her as tight as I could, to kiss her, and see her smile up at me. The feeling of her slipping through my fingers had been very real. Her nose and cheeks were pink from the cold and her curls bounced with a shake of her head. Her freckles were less prominent than they had been back in July but her green eyes sparkled with mischief.

"Popcorn?" she asked offering the box to me. She smiled and her dimples flashed.

I ignored it and she placed the container on the table. "Don't you ever go off like that again."

"You should have come, Reid," Morgan said smiling. "It was a good movie."

"That is not what you said earlier." Beth shook her finger scolding him. "You demeaned it by calling it a chick flick." She laughed taking off her scarf and coat she threw them on the couch.

"Just don't do it again," I repeated.

"Yes, dad. And I'll be home before twelve every night. And I know no drinking or smoking or having sex. Happy?"

Morgan laughed at her speech. I muttered a no. She looked confused for a second but hid it well. She went into the bathroom and pulled out the coffee maker.

"You boys want coffee?" she asked coming to stand in between us.

"I actually got to head out, Beth," Morgan said going to the door. "Reid's staying the night with you."

Beth turned so that she was only facing Morgan. I assumed she was silently pleading with him. He just stared back at her his face impassive. She eventually shrugged coffeepot still in hand. "We could have played poker. Your loss."

He smiled. "Goodnight Beth. See you tomorrow Reid." And with that he left.

* * *

Beth POV

Morgan closed the door. I still had the coffee pot in my hand. I must look like an idiot. Spencer shifted awkwardly from foot to foot. His hands shoved deeply into his coat pockets and his shoulders hunched up to his ears.

"You still want coffee?" I asked plugging it into the wall and placing it on the limited counter space of the kitchen.

He nodded. I measured out the packaged coffee grounds and filled it with water. The red light flicked on and I waited for the aroma to fill the room.

"How have you been?" I asked.

"Good," he replied without a tone.

I sighed. He was lying of course. He had never been good at that. I kicked the stove angrily. The stupid motel didn't have a tea kettle. I grimaced at the coffee. No way was I going to drink it. I sat down at the fake wooden table defeated.

"You can take off your coat," I said. He was still shifting awkwardly from foot to foot.

"I'm cold."

I stood up to the couch and took the red scarf. I stood in front of him and wrapped it around his neck. I adjusted it. My fingers ever so slightly swiped against his jaw line. I felt smooth skin and it sent a tingle down my spine. I quickly pulled my hand back shocked at what I had felt. I had ended it. I should be able to hide my feelings better. His eyes were looking everywhere but my face. I backed away to the other side of the table.

"Better?" I asked as he sat in the chair. He was still avoiding my eyes.

"Yes, thank you." He was staring at a fixed point in the middle of the table.

There was a pregnant pause. "Are we going to get some food?" I asked sitting down across from him.

His head jerked up. "Yes, _I_ will get some food. You will wait here."

I sighed. I knew arguing with him would be pointless. "What you can't take me with you?"

He was staring intently back at me begging for me to defy him. "No, you have to stay here."

"You trust leaving me alone after what just happened?"

If he could raise just one eyebrow I'm sure he would have. "I'm locking you in here." It was a challenge.

I folded my arms. "Oh, so now I'm under house arrest?"

He leaned in towards me. "Until this guy is caught, yes. He could seriously hurt you." I was slightly warmed by his thoughts of concern but quickly buried it. "I'll be back soon." He hastily stood up, tucked the ends scarf of my scarf into his jacket, grabbed his bag from next to the couch, swung it over his shoulder, and shoved his hands deep into his pockets. He walked to the door and laid his hand on the doorknob. "Just please for once listen to me and stay here."

He wasn't asking for much. He just wanted me to be safe. I couldn't put him through that torture of him not knowing my whereabouts again. "Fine, but just this once."

He held his hand on the knob an extra second before opening the door and closing it behind him. I heard the door lock. I was alone like I always was when I actually needed someone there. It was an overwhelming sensation like an oppressive weight upon my shoulders. I stood up and stretched trying to take my mind off of Spencer's absence. I heard the beep of the coffee finishing. I had honestly forgotten about it. The aroma filled the room reminding me of late mornings, newspaper discussions, morning breath kisses, fighting over butter…

I shook the memories out of my mind. It physically hurt my body to think of such things. My heart clenched and unclenched making a hollow feeling in my chest. I hugged myself trying to make the aching go away. In the weeks that we had broken up I had managed not to feel such things. I was able to not think about him. I was able to block out thoughts and feelings and emotions. But seeing him in such a few span of hours over and over again was making me hurt.

I really did not want to grade papers. No I couldn't grade papers. It wouldn't distract my mind enough. It wouldn't keep me away from him. I walked over and sat heavily on the couch. I grabbed the remote and turned the TV on and just lay down without my moving my body. I didn't care what was on the channel or how I looked. I just needed mindless images to go into my brain and make me forget. I closed my eyes and drifted into the dark nothingness of sleep.

* * *

Spencer POV

I fumbled with my keys outside of the doorway balancing a box of pizza. All I could think was that she better be in that apartment when I opened the door. I had only been gone 47 minutes and 6 seconds but a lot could happen in that short amount of time. I opened the door finally and heard the low roar of the television. I could just see her blonde curls on the arm of the couch. I placed the pizza and key on the table and slipped my bag off my shoulder. I cautiously walked towards the blonde hair on the couch.

"Beth," I whispered.

She stirred slightly and then curled into a tight ball. A move I knew well when she was cold. I used to love to slip into her house when I got home from a case and surprise her while she was still sleeping. The first time she had been so confused. Her green eyes took a second to focus on my face and then they lit up at my features. She had squealed, thrown her arms around me laughing, and pulled me into bed with her. I used to catch her napping on my couch after late nights and early mornings of grading papers. I used to just sit there and watch her movements afraid to touch her. The first time she caught me she laughed but her face blushed with embarrassment. She stood up and held her hands forward. I came to her like a small child, sat down on the couch while she curled up in my lap, and we talked about work, cases, books, family.

I reached a hand forward to touch her hair but quickly pulled it back the images fading from my mind. She was no longer mine. I had no right to touch her. I went back to the table, opened the box of pizza, and dug in by myself. It was like it had always been. We were separate. She was happy. I just existed. I took a bite of pizza and allowed myself to watch her sleep. It was painful to my heart but I had missed her.

I chewed hoping my headache that I had had since that afternoon. I glanced at my bag. Would it be wrong to take drugs on the job? These withdrawal symptoms were painful and I was barely able to keep them under control. I shook that thought out of my head. I glanced behind me at the full coffee pot. It was going to have to do for now. Until I could get everything sorted out this was best I could do. Until I could fix all my mistakes and atone for every pain I had caused everyone.


	8. Chapter Seven:A Man Like Him

**Chapter Seven – A Man like You**

Beth POV

I slowly opened my eyes not wanting to wake up. I stretched on the couch and felt my coat slip down off my shoulders. I frowned puzzled. Did I use my coat as a blanket? I couldn't remember. And then I could smell the coffee from the makeshift kitchen. I sat up and glanced over the back of the couch. Spencer was sitting at the table a box of pizza open and a cup of coffee in his hand. It was all so familiar yet foreign. How many times had I gone to bed without him and woken up with him? Every morning drinking his coffee waiting for a hug or a kiss. I felt my heart clench because I wouldn't be getting these things from him.

"How long have I been asleep?" I asked standing up and pushing a curl out of my face.

Spencer glanced at his watch that was fastened on the outside of his sweater. "I can only approximate."

I sighed. "Just estimate the time please."

"One hour twenty six minutes," he said taking a long sip from the chipped coffee mug. "JJ dropped off your things. It's two suitcases full."

I glanced to where his eyes looked into the bedroom door and I could see two big suitcases placed side by side on the edge of the bed.

"She always over packs for me," I said smiling. I walked to the table and grabbed a slice of pizza. He had remembered that I liked green peppers, onions, and mushrooms. Half was that and the other half was what he liked just cheese. I folded the pizza in half and took a bite. "Did you cover me with my coat and yours?"

He suddenly became very interested in the cream swirling around in his coffee. "You were huddled into a ball so I made a hypothesis that you were cold and tested it."

"Well, thanks. It was correct."

I took another bite and he took a sip of coffee. He was still just staring at his cup.

* * *

SPENCER POV

She looked beautiful just like she always did when she had just woken up. Her curls would be in disarray, her eyeliner smeared, the one side of her face slightly pink from laying on it all night, and most of all her sleepy muddled eyes. That's how she looked now as she sat eating a slice of pizza across the kitchen table from me. If this had been in her apartment she probably would have been in my lap cradled into my shoulder asking me a question. Or maybe she would be kissing my cheek and fussing with my hair. Or I would be hesitantly touching her curls or neck.

But this wasn't her apartment and we were no longer together. I couldn't look at her anymore so I just sat and watched the four containers of cream swirl around in my cup.

"Dr. Reid," she said quietly. She left it unfinished like a question.

I looked up. She finished chewing her second bite and asked, "When will I be getting my things back?"

I looked quickly back down slightly ashamed. "Soon. I just haven't had time to pack up your things to send to you."

The truth was that everything she had left there was packed in a box: a picture frame of us when we were children and then now, a t shirt with a scent that was distinctly her, a hairbrush, lingerie pieces, and I wasn't sure if I could give these things up. Logically I knew I should so I could move on but my heart was winning over my mind, which was a very rare occurrence.

She took another bite. "Ok, just wondering." She got up and grabbed a paper cup from the counter and poured herself some water. "It's so weird that I fell asleep. I was so piped up on energy."

"Your body was just tired because you got a rush of adrenaline from JJ taking you from your house, and the notes. You had a high and then you crashed. It's quite normal actually." It spewed out of my mouth before I could stop it. "But you should go to bed early you've had a long day. Your body isn't use to this. You could go into shock. And we have to stop by the police station tomorrow morning." She cocked her head to the side asking me why. "They want to take your statement. JJ still hasn't been able to wrestle the case away from them."

She finished up her slice of pizza and grabbed another one. "I'll go to bed exactly at eight thirty."

I gulped down a bit of coffee hoping to rid myself of this headache that was quickly turning into a migraine. My headache was still present. I hadn't stopped by my house and gotten high. I hadn't done it while she was napping. My jacket had been from my car. Maybe I could sneak a bit when she was asleep just to get rid of the headache. It was possible a half a cc of it and this would go away. I would be refreshed and set for the drive tomorrow. It was possible and no one would ever find out. I took another sip of coffee and watched my shaky hand come up to my mouth. It was a good plan.

* * *

BETH POV

I lay in bed reading another term paper. The door was closed and locked just another barrier that I was putting up between Spencer and myself. I was chewing on the stem of my glasses unable to concentrate. My William and Mary sweatshirt wasn't keeping me warm enough and the bed was itchy. I didn't really want to sleep in between these sheets but I was too cold otherwise. I didn't know what bodily fluids still lurked there. I glanced at the clock. 12:30. I had told Spencer that I would be in bed by eight thirty not that I would be asleep. That was his problem he didn't notice the subtly in wording.

I stretched and put the papers on the bedside table. I turned off the light and settled into the covers trying to ignore the stench that was coming from my pillow.

I closed my eyes and started to force myself to go to sleep. I lay on my back staring at the ceiling. I rolled to my side then to my stomach. I sat up and punched my pillow but I wasn't any more comfortable. I just couldn't fall asleep. I needed a cup of tea to settle my nerves. I wondered if it was safe to sneak out. He was probably asleep anyway. I pulled back the covers and crept slowly to the door.

I peeked out into the motel room. It was dark and all the lights were out. Spencer was sitting with his back to me at the kitchen table. His right arm slunk down by his side and his left was out on the table. He was slumped in the chair obviously asleep.

I opened the door all the way and began to make my way across the room towards the counter. I crept as quietly as I could finding no squeaks as I went. I got to about half a foot away from Spencer's back and then I moved around to his left around the table. I looked at him hoping I wouldn't wake him when I noticed something was wrong.

He was shaking. His whole body was experiencing violent tremors. His hand on the table was clenching and unclenching. His face which was faced down into his chest was being contorted in pain and a bit of foam was coming down the edge of his mouth. That was when I saw the belt wrapped around his arm and the needle and vial on the table.

I grabbed him by the shoulders and forcibly moved him to face me. "Dr. Reid? Reid?" I asked trying to get a response. "Spencer! Spencer!" He was still unresponsive.

Thoughts and questions began to run through my mind. Should I call 911? Should I call JJ, Hotch, Gideon, or Morgan? But that would affect his career and I couldn't take that away from him. But it was either his life or his livelihood. The problem was his livelihood was his life. If I took that away from him I don't know if I could ever look him in the eyes again.

I bolted to his bag on the couch and fumbled in its pockets for his cell phone. I found it and ran back.

"Spencer I'm calling for an ambulance. I think you've overdosed." I took the belt off his arm and flung it aside. "You're going to die if I don't." I began to dial.

His hand shot out and grabbed my wrist. I gave a scream of fright.

"Don't call," he gasped out. "It's just a bad reaction because I took it with coffee."

I felt tears beginning to form after looking at him in this terrible condition. "These look like overdose symptoms to me. How much did you take?" He swallowed compulsively trying to gain control again. "How much did you take?" I asked my voice rising in volume.

"Half of a cc."

"Are you sure?" His head rolled back and forth as his shaking increased. "Are you sure?" I asked angrily shaking him.

"Yes." He tried to stand up and his voice took on a lecture quality. "I didn't think that the five cups of coffee would have this kind of a reaction with such a small amount of it." He collapsed against me nearly making me topple over. "Once the chemical reaction between the caffeine and the stimulant in the dilaudid settles I'll be fine. I just took too much stimulants at once." He started to move towards the couch. "Just lay me down on my side in case I start to throw up."

I pulled him back. "You're crazy you need to see a doctor." He opened his mouth to argue. "A _medical_ doctor who can give you something."

"All they would give me would be an IV drip to give me fluids. I'm going to be really dehydrated after this so just leave a glass of water by the couch."

"I don't like this," I said. He looked at me pleading begging me to not take him to the ER. I paused. "Fine, I won't do anything. But if anything changes I'm calling 911." He nodded unable to speak. "And you're sleeping in the bed tonight."

"No I couldn't…"

I didn't reply but just dragged him into my bedroom and placed him as gently as I could between the covers.

"My side…" he began. I rolled him over on his side. I moved some of the hair behind his ears. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath still trying to control his shaking. He opened them back up and they were clouded over. "…Beth…what are you doing here? Do you want me to read you a story?"

It took me a second to realize what was going on. He was hallucinating. He was thinking it was me when I was little. The tears that had been on the brim of my eyes began to fall down my face.

"No," I said my voice shaking. "I'm here so you can go to sleep." He looked confused. "So go to bed. You can read to me in the morning." He nodded and closed his eyes.

"Good night, Beth."

I bit back a sob before it could escape my lips and managed to whisper back.

"Good night, Spencer."

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JJ was sitting next to me in the chair waiting in the hallway of the police station. I was going to have to make my statement and then it would be over and done with. I could go back home. JJ could stop being over protective. And I did not have to see Spencer again under any circumstances.

I decided not to tell JJ about the incident. He was embarrassed enough about the whole ordeal. He woke up with a splitting headache and a sheepish smile on his face. I sat the whole night by his bed. I was too afraid that he would stop breathing. That I would wake up and he would be dead in the morning. He woke up several more times during the night each time thinking I was about nine years old. It was heart wrenching and confusing all at once.

"Did you not sleep well last night," JJ asked looking at me sideways.

"Yeah," I replied my head in my hands. "I was up late grading papers."

She paused. She knew I was lying. "Well, you can go back home tonight and get a good night's sleep. I'll stay over." I lifted my head up to protest. "Just for tonight. That's it I promise."

"Fine, Jen." I said. "I consent."

The door opened and an officer in uniform came out. We both stood up and followed him in. He motioned us to sit at a desk in the middle of the open space. The name on the desk said Detective Uhler. JJ stood behind me as I sat down.

Uhler strode out of the back office paperwork in hand. He was an imposing figure. He wasn't tall but broad and muscular. He was quite a bit younger than I had expected about only twenty-eight. He still had the youthful step and bounce of an untested rookie. I stood up and held out my hand. He smiled and took it.

"Hello Doctor Smalls. I'm Detective Uhler. I'm just going to ask you a few questions and then you can leave." He gave a warm resounding shake before looking behind me to JJ.

"JJ Jareau. I work with the BAU. I was first on the scene with both crimes." She shook his hand and smiled. "You can talk to her and then to me." She took a step back. "I'll go wait outside." She went back out the door we had come in.

Uhler motioned for me to take a seat. I sat down slipping my hands into my jacket pockets trying to warm my fingers. It was still chilly and was sleeting outside like it had supposed to last night. He sat down as well placing the paperwork down on the desk and grabbed a pen.

"Ok so let's start at the beginning. When did you get to work?"

I paused racking my brain. "Around nine am. I've been grading term papers for my students. I was hoping I could finish doing so yesterday."

"What happened after that?"

"A student stopped by around three. And then just after that the UPS delivery came."

Did you recognize the man?"

"No, I had never seen him before."

"You didn't think it was weird that you were getting a package?"

I cocked my head to the side thinking. "Well, it's unusual but I do occasionally get things from other professors or from students that they mail to my office."

"What did you do when you saw that there were lips in the box?"

"I immediately put it down and called Jen." I pointed back to where JJ had walked out. "I've known her since college and since she worked for the BAU it seemed like a good idea. And I didn't know who else to call. She called out her team, secured the scene. Then she drove me home and that's where we found the other letter."

"And this was in your mailbox?" He held up the letter that was in an evidence bag.

"Yes."

He took a file from on his desk and opened it taking out a picture. He handed it to me.

"Do you recognize this man?"

I looked at the picture he handed me and fought back a gasp. I recognized the brown clear eyes and the thin pronounced lips. His hair was shorter than what I expected and spiked up at different points. I knew the face but I didn't.

"Who is this?" I asked my voice barely above a whisper.

He paused. "His name was Clifford Thomas. He was found in his home late last night shot through the chest," he paused again. "His lips were missing. The tests haven't come back yet but we believe these are the lips that were given to you. " He repeated. "Do you know him?"

I shook my head. "No…he…he looks like my former boyfriend." I took a breath and tried to make sense of the picture. "He looks like Doctor Spencer Reid."


	9. Chapter Eight:No More Playing Games

_A/N: Okay so I know it's been awhile but here! Another chapter and it's very long! So hah!_

**Chapter Eight – No More Playing Games**

_BETH POV_

I handed back the photo of the young man to Detective Uhler. The low murmur of the phones and other people talking in the room suddenly stopped. It was as if my world was flipping upside down. All I could think about was that face. I was trying to fight back my gag reflex. The man who was trying to lift my spirits had killed a boy who looked like him.

"Your ex-boyfriend," Uhler asked sounding confused, "is Dr. Reid?" I nodded. "Dr. Reid, the FBI prodigy?"

"Yes, we just broke up a little over a week ago." I nervously brushed a curl out of my face.

He hastily began flipping through papers on his desk. "Do you remember the date?"

I paused. Of course I remembered the date. That was like asking if the sky was blue. How could one not know the date that he and I broke up?

"January 11th."

He found the paper he was looking for in his file. He read the notes that he had taken on the day. "Thomas was last seen leaving work on the 12th heading to his car." I closed my eyes trying to wrap my head around what he had just said. "But the coroner's report put his time of death somewhere around the noon the day before yesterday."

I paused. "Was he…did he…"

I was trying to make my mouth form the word tortured or mutilated but it wasn't working. My brain wasn't connecting to my mouth. Or maybe I was too disgusted to even speak it I wasn't sure.

"There is some evidence of abuse," Uhler said understanding what I was asking.

He motioned to JJ behind me. My head was in one of my hands the other slowly reached towards the picture of Thomas. It was buried underneath some of the other papers that Uhler had stacked up. The resemblance was uncanny. The big clear warm brown eyes. The slightly angular face. The Adam's apple protruding the same way. The ears even were placed exactly so. I knew it wasn't Spencer but somehow it could have been. JJ came up behind me and I felt her grow very still. She was looking at the picture as well.

"Detective Uhler, can we talk for a moment?" I placed the picture down on the pile of papers. "Beth, can you go wait out in the hallway for a few minutes. I'll be there soon to drive you home."

I stood up and dug my hands into my pockets trying to shake the picture from my mind. I silently watched as they began to talk over what to do next. I knew JJ would try and persuade him to give the case over to the BAU. But it was probably his first homicide. Would he honestly be that willing? I didn't care at this point. I walked out the door and sat on the hard wooden bench. Waiting for JJ to finish her conversation, waiting for the case to be finished, waiting for something, anything.

_SPENCER POV_

Gideon gently shook my shoulder and aroused me from my sleep. I had fallen asleep in the chair in his office with the chess board set up on the small table. I had gone there after I had finished my paper work and was waiting for him to come in. He promised me we would play a game before our next case.

I looked up confused. "You never came."

He ignored my statement and sat down in the chair opposite of mine. He laced his fingers and stared at them for a moment. "Something came up." He paused. "The police found the body that the lips came from that was sent to Beth."

I sat up straight. My mind was coming out of the fog of sleep and into focus.

"Spencer, the man that was killed looks like you." He looked extremely concerned. He was waiting for my reaction. "Can you think of any idea why?"

"I don't understand." My mind wasn't grasping the concept.

"He's killing you. You're the object of his rage."

I paused digesting what he had told me. I stood up, straightened my sweater, and brushed the hair out of my eyes. Gideon sat there silently was watching me. His eyes taking in my every movement.

"The police have agreed to give us the case." Gideon paused. "Dr. Reid you can't work on it."

I sat back down slowly trying to control my frustration.

"You're the perceived victim Spencer. You cannot see anything more about the unsub or the victim."

I sat staring at my fingers as I clasped and unclasped them. I had never been this frustrated before. I wasn't sure if I was angry yet. The flushing in my face was telling me I was getting there. My increased heart rate was also telling me this.

"So what am I going to do?"

"You're going to sit at your desk and do paperwork."

It wasn't a suggestion it was a command. I stood up my movements screaming how angry I was. I grabbed my bag and walked out of his office without another word. I kept my head down as I made my way across the bullpen towards my desk. I heard a familiar voice sounding just as frustrated as me.

"Jen, I have a class at 11:30." My head snapped up. Beth was sitting in Morgan's desk talking on his phone. "No I can't cancel it." She angrily sighed. "I'm not taking a mental health day. Why? Cause I don't need one. That's why." She was drumming her fingers on the chair's arm. "You do not need to stay at the police station. You can come drive me." She rolled her eyes. "Well you in your infinite wisdom sent Morgan and Emily to Thomas' house to learn more about the unsub. And Hotch is there with you." She looked down at the piece of paper on the desk. "Yes, I wrote down my schedule for Gideon. So someone should take me to my class!" She paused. JJ was apparently having a very long debate with herself on the other end. "Thank you." Beth slammed down the phone. Her curls bounced and she brushed them out of her face angrily.

I sat down at my desk not meeting her eye. I still hadn't discussed with her about last night. I had woken up gotten a cup of coffee and driven her to the police station. Silence had been my blanket. I wasn't going to answer any of her questions. But I could feel her gaze sometimes when we were driving over and I noted the concerned look in her eye. But I was remaining mute on the subject.

She picked up the phone again and began dialing. She hadn't noticed me coming in and sitting down. I took a folder of papers and began to look like I was working.

_BETH POV_

The phone rang twice before she picked up.

"Lisa Heaney."

"Hey, Lisa its Beth."

"Beth! You know I was just about to call you about starting to write another book. Do you think you could whip one out really quickly just so that we have something new to talk about at the book signing on Saturday night?" Her words came out in one big breath. She was a fast talker and an even faster deal maker. She had been my agent after my novels had become popular. "Nothing fancy just an outline. Oh speaking of which you should see the bookshop I set us up in. Real historic and stuff. You're going to love it. And we're going to have a line going out the door I just know it. Well, I'm glad I caught you. Hugs and kisses I'll call you on Saturday."

"Wait wait Lisa. I called you." I was trying not to lose my patience which was very hard. She was a very trying person.

"Well, why didn't you say so?"

I groaned. "Look about the book signing-"

"Don't tell me you don't have an outline!" She sounded shocked and appalled.

"Lisa let me finish!" I slightly raised my voice. "First of all, no I do not have an outline. I didn't know I needed one until right this very second. So the public will just have to deal. Second, I'm going to have an FBI escort because of extenuating circumstances."

"Circumstances? About what?"

I sighed. At least she was feigning concern. "I can't discuss it. It's a private matter but I just wanted to give you the heads up so that you can accommodate them. They're going to need full access to everything. And when I say everything I mean everything."

"Does it have anything to do with the case that you worked on last year?" She sounded excited. She would do anything for a bit of gossip.

"No it does not. But the FBI is going to call you and I expect you to answer their questions." I paused letting her digest what I said. "I have to go. I'll call you on Saturday."

"Have a good day, Beth," she said her voice syrupy sweet.

I slammed the phone down again.

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I sat on top of the desk, legs crossed, surveying my students. I had the projector linked up to my desktop. The title page read "Women in the 16th Century".

Their faces so similar in age to my own were looking up at me expectantly. Pens poised, faces alert waiting for me to talk. All of the power was in my hands. It was weird yet comforting at the same time. I knew I had power to control them to use them. I was imparting knowledge and thought.

We were moving on to study the women in Shakespearean Literature. I thought it was pertinent that I gave them significant background of women during that time period so that characters like Portia and Lady Macbeth had more substance. I needed them to realize how progressive Shakespeare's ideas were at the time.

"Now look, I know this isn't a social studies class. There is no way I would ever teach it. I can't remember dates to save my life." There was a little laughter. "But in order for you to really appreciate the women we are going to read about you need to understand how they had been viewed. And since I don't know all of your backgrounds in this area of study I thought we'd go through a PowerPoint so we can all understand it." I paused. "So today is a social studies class."

The door to the classroom opened and Morgan stuck his head in. The students all turned around confusion on their faces. I could see the girls sit up straighter and a few nervously pulled at their bangs. Morgan seemed to have that affect on women.

"Sorry to interrupt Professor." He walked in all the way. "Can I talk to you for a second?"

The students' heads slowly turned back to me.

"I'll be right back, guys." I hopped off the desk. "Then it'll be a social studies class." I walked down in between the aisles to where Morgan was. He shut the door behind me. "What's going on?" I asked cocking my head to the side.

"I just wanted to give you this." He handed me a piece of paper. "It's a schedule of who is going to be with you and when." I looked down at the sheet glancing over the names I knew and the ones I didn't. "One of the team is always going to be with you. There will be others in plain clothes. Three agents will be with you at all times."

"What about Dr. Reid?" I paused. "I'm not really in danger. It's him we should be worried about."

"Someone will always be with him, Beth. Don't worry about him."

I ran my fingers through my curls. "How can I not? The person responsible isn't trying to kill me. He's trying to kill him." I looked down at the floor and took a deep breath. "This is my all fault."

"Beth, look at me." I kept my head down. "Look at me." I slowly raised my eyes. "Whoever is doing this is sick. He is living in a fantasy all his own. You are not to be held accountable for his behavior. It is him and him alone. Not yours." He paused. "Do you understand?" I nodded. "Can I see a smile?" I gave him a half hearted one. "It'll have to do for now."

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It was Saturday night. I was sitting at a table in a tiny bookshop. It had originally been an old shop from 1834 but had been renovated. I was sitting thinking about all that had happened during the past few days. I thought about what Morgan had said. I thought about the lips in the box. But most of all I thought about Spencer. I thought about how much I missed him. I thought about how sick he was getting. I thought about how much I had really screwed things up.

I had a permanent marker and several copies of different books for me to sign. People were beginning to file in and take seats. It was mostly women and teenage girls. A few men came and sat looking disgruntled. They had obviously been dragged there or were ashamed being there.

Emily stood to my right and Morgan to my left. Hotch was by the door with JJ and Gideon was sitting in the audience. I could see their ear pieces were in. They were nodding and talking with each other. Badges were hidden away along with guns. They were looking pretty innocent well except for maybe Hotch.

And Spencer, I didn't know where he was.

Lisa came up to me her cheeks flushed. I came out of my daze.

"It's almost seven," she said, "and look at all the people that are here! I think it's going to be standing room only."

"That's great Lisa," I said half ignoring her.

"Now remember you're going to answer questions first then sign books. It's only going to be about two hours." She looked down at the blackberry in her hand and touched the Bluetooth in her ear. "Yeah, Jerry? No I said two packages not four! Well I think you should know that by now! No I did not say that. I clearly said-"

She walked off. Emily waited a few second before coming over.

"If at any time you feel uncomfortable we can stop this."

I shook my head and laughed. "It's just a book signing. Nothing has happened since Wednesday. I don't think anything is really going to happen here. It's a bookstore."

"Ok." She nodded and went back to her spot on the side.

Lisa came back and handed me a water bottle. A few more people came in and took the remaining seats. The place was packed and full to the brim. Hotch nodded to Lisa and she began the introductions.

"Good evening everyone." She said and the room immediately became quiet. "I'm so glad that you are all here to meet our guest. She started her novel career at the early age of sixteen. She is a Professor at the College of William and Mary where she teaches English. She's also consulted with the FBI on a case last summer. Please give a warm welcome to Dr. Elizabeth Smalls."

There was a small round of applause. I smiled surveying the crowd.

"Thank you Lisa for that introduction. I wanted to start the night off with a Q and A. Then I'll sign books." I paused and laced my fingers. "Who would like to ask the first question?" Hands shot up in all places. "Yes, you Ma'm."

An overset woman stood up. "Hi, Dr. Smalls. I'm a really big fan. Where do you get your ideas from?" Her voice was high pitched and squeaky with excitement.

"Well first of all its Beth please." There was soft laughter. "And my ideas come from many places. Some of my favorites are from my grandmother's stories about her aunts and cousins. My first novel was actually a take on Jack the Ripper." I paused thinking. "But I can't really explain where I come up with all the filler. I learn about events or unknown people and something just clicks and I can think of a story about them. And sometimes it's just an idea that I like. Emotions I wrote because I wanted to say something about the human spirit and its resilience. But people missed that and turned it into an anti-technology book." She nodded understanding. "Next question?"

I picked on someone else.

A young girl stood up her face full of excitement. "Who is your favorite male character that you've written about?"

I paused chewing over the question. "Well, that's a hard question. There are certain qualities about each of them that I like and there are certain qualities that I don't. Who's your favorite?"

She blushed. "Pinny Pinkham from Kissing Cousins."

I nodded. "What did you like about him?"

"He was sweet and gentle. He really loved his cousin and died because he couldn't marry her."

"Yes, he was very noble because of that. But I consider him a very rash character. He didn't think things through all the way unlike Sarah, his cousin. His flaw led to him being unhappy." I paused. "But yes he was a very good character."

Before I could say 'Next question' a young man yelled out, "Are you single?"

I looked around the room trying to figure out who had said it. No one was going to own up to it. I could feel my face flushing with embarrassment.

"Yes, but I'm not interested in dating." I laughed. "I don't have time."

I took a few more questions. They ranged from the mundane to the ridiculous. Like why had I made this character a red head and was there symbolism in it? No, I actually just chose to make her a red head because she was Scottish. But it is what I loved about book signings. I never knew what I was going to get. I tried to leave my personal life out of it and my work but it did get in occasionally.

I paused after the last question. "Anything else anyone would like to ask?" There was a deafening silence. "Okay well if we can form a line. I'll start signing books for everyone."

There was a slight shuffle and murmuring began as people began to file into a queue. The lady in front handed me a book.

"What name would you like me to write?" I asked my marker poised over the title page.

"Josephine."

I looked up and smiled. I signed it her name then mine. I looked to either side of me. Morgan and Emily had moved to the back of the store amongst the shelves. Gideon was still sitting in his seat. JJ had moved to the far right and Hotch stayed by the door.

I handed the book to her and smiled. She took back the book.

"I wanted to give this to you," she said and took out a nicely wrapped package with a red bow on top.

Gideon looked at me questioningly. I shook my head no telling him it was ok. He went back to looking positively bored. I took the package out of her hands and placed it on the table.

"Thank you," I said.

She smiled and walked off with her signed book. I moved the package to the side and held out my hand for another book. It continued that way until everyone was gone. The team gathered around the table that I was still sitting at.

"See nothing bad happened," I said smiling. "Can I go home now? I need to grade more papers."

JJ smiled back. "Come on. I'll drive you home."

Lisa came over and handed me my coat and hat. "I don't know why they all were here, Beth," she said indicating the team. "It was just a book signing. I mean who would hurt you with all these people here? They're just all book nerds anyway. It's not like they would do anything. They like your characters more than they like you."

"Thanks Lisa," I said my voice heavy with sarcasm.

She ignored it. "Well, start working on your next book. I'll be in touch. Hugs and kisses."

"You too Lisa." I said as she walked away and out the door.

"You should really get a different manager," Morgan said as the door closed behind her.

"She's harmless," I said shrugging my shoulders. "Besides I don't know how to get a new manager." I put my coat on then my hat. "Come on, Jen. I want to get home."

"Wait, don't forget your package." Emily handed the box to me.

"Thanks I almost forgot about it," I said taking it from her.

"Beth," Hotch said cutting off my escape, "open it."

"I will when I get home." He gave me a very serious stare. "Okay, I'll open it now." I placed the box on the table and ripped off the wrapping paper and bow. I opened the box and pulled out the gift. I could tell they were all holding their breath. "It's just a copy of Wuthering Heights," I said pulling out a well worn book. I looked closer. "An original copy!" I yelped with excitement.

"Come on," JJ said smiling at my excitement. "Good night guys see you tomorrow."

"That was so nice of her to give this to me. And it's in such good condition." I felt the leather in my hands. It crackled with age and use. It smelled like the dusty shelves of a well used library. "It must have cost her a fortune."

I opened the front cover and saw a piece of paper. In neat cursive was written:

Dr. Elizabeth Smalls ~ "Kiss me again, but don't let me see your eyes! I forgive what you have done to me. I love my murderer--but yours! How can I?"

I smiled and closed the cover again. It was one of my favorite quotes from the book. I could see the line written on the page in my many copies. I could picture the scene in my mind.

"Come on, Beth." JJ grabbed my elbow. "You can read it on the way home."

We headed out into the cold. My purse was slung over my shoulder and my hands were dug deep into my coat pockets. Each went to their respective cars. Emily and Morgan to one, Gideon to his car, Hotch to his car as well, and JJ and I headed to her car.

I again wondered where Spencer was. Was he at the office doing paperwork? Was he at his house? The library? A lecture? Was he hoping I was safe? Was he reading? Was he worried? Did he miss me? I sighed and blocked those thoughts from my mind. There was no use in wondering he wasn't there at that was all that mattered.

I climbed into JJ's car and buckled myself in. I placed the book on my lap. There was a package at my feet. I picked it up and shook it. JJ was still outside saying a few last words to Gideon. My fingers pondered over the folded flaps. Should I or shouldn't I? I was too curious to refuse. I opened the folded top of the brown box. Packing peanuts were on top. I dug around feeling for something. I pulled out a Tupperware container. I opened the top without thinking.

I bolted out of the car and handed the box to JJ.

"-that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that it's a little odd-" She stopped midsentence and looked down at the brown box.

Gideon paused. "Looks like we spoke to soon."

JJ reached her hand into the box and pulled out the container. A pair of brown eyes was sitting there. They stared lifelessly back into my own. I guess all of us had spoken to soon.


	10. Chapter Nine:Questions and Answers

_A/N: Okay, so this chapter is a little long and repetative and Spencer may be out of character but I like it....so I'm okay with backlash. Feedback is always great I always like to know how I can improve!_

**Chapter Nine – Questions and Answers**

_BETH POV_

My fingers were curled around a steaming mug of tea. I was sitting in the interrogation room. JJ had said it wasn't necessary but I had insisted. I had to be treated like any other witness. I had to be asked the same questions and treated the same way. None of them wanted to but they knew it was the correct logical approach.

I was watching the steam come out of the Styrofoam cup and swirl in the air before me. Here in the room everything was simple. There were no eyes staring at me. No brown clear eyes with only a faint look of death. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. It was just me and my tea in the room nothing else.

The door opened to the room. I glanced up. It was Spencer. He looked even more disheveled since the last time I saw him. His hair hadn't been combed in a while. His sweater hadn't been properly tucked in and his tie was awkwardly placed underneath it. His gun was in his holster on the front of his hip.

He was just staring at me. He wasn't supposed to be here. He was supposed to have no connection to the case or communication with me.

"What are you doing here Dr. Reid?" I asked sitting back in my chair.

He didn't answer. He quietly sat down on the chair on the other side of the table.

"What was the name of the woman who gave you Wuthering Heights?" He wasn't looking at me but at his folded hands on the table.

"I'm not going to answer your questions," I said taking a sip from my cup.

His head shot up. "What was her name?"

The intensity level in his voice had risen dramatically. I looked into his eyes. They were exactly the same from the container. I swallowed trying to control my urge to hug him. He was fine. He was safe. Those eyes weren't his. These eyes didn't have the lifeless look the others did. They were concerned and upset.

"Are you even supposed to be in here?" I asked accusingly.

He slammed his hands down on the table. "Damn it! Just answer me."

I stood up angrily pointing at him. "I am not going to jeopardize the integrity of this case because you wanted to have the answers. You are not involved and I am not answering your questions." I glanced at the two-way mirror. "I'm pretty sure they don't know that you're in here and I am not going to do anything to ruin the police work that is being done here."

He stood up too. I had never seen him so distraught before. "You're going to tell the same thing to Gideon." We were eye to eye leaning over the table at each other. "It won't hurt the case I promise." I looked him in the eye. They were softer now more pleading. I had never been able to say no before and I couldn't now.

"Josephine." I sat back down defeated. "And don't even ask if she had a last name."

He sat down less tense than he had been. "Had she ever come to one of your book signings before?"

I picked up my tea again. "I don't know. I don't remember everyone who comes to my book signings. She might of…" I paused. "Why?"

He didn't answer right away. He was contemplating whether to tell me or not. I sighed angrily.

"The handwriting on the note inside matches that from the first package."

"Oh, so that's why there wasn't a note from the unsub in the box." I paused and took a sip of my tea. "But I thought the team concluded that my stalker was a man, not a woman."

He ignored my statement his features become hard as he thought.

"Do you remember what Josephine looked like?"

I closed my eyes and tried to think. Her features weren't very distinctive in my mind. Her hair had been brown, curly maybe. Her face shape was roundish, I think. After that it became a blur. Features blended into each other and became one.

"Somewhat…?"

He looked at me hopefully.

"If I saw her I would be able to identify her…maybe…"

He stood up abruptly. "I'll have Garcia pull video surveillance. Maybe you can spot her again." His tone was businesslike and like a lecture.

"Why don't you have one of the team look at it too? They might be able to spot her."

I was trying to be helpful but it was making him frustrated.

"If I had been there this would have never happened," he mumbled.

I took a sip of my tea. "Oh and why's that?" I asked nonchalantly. "Would you have come in and saved the day?"

He was trying to keep his voice even. The dialudid was probably wearing off and so was his high. It was making him cranky and irrational.

"Because I would have realized who she was. And even if I didn't I have a photographic memory. I would be able to give you a descriptive picture of her." His voice slowly rose in annoyance.

"I'm sorry I'm not a genius like you Dr. Reid." I paused and looked him straight in the eye. "Are you leaving now?"

_SPENCER POV_

I was sitting at my desk trying to finish my paperwork. I wasn't getting far. Beth's face was overcrowding my thoughts too much. If this had been a Saturday night a few weeks ago I would have been done by now. I would have been at Beth's place with her wrapped up in my arms. Maybe we would be watching a movie, maybe we would be asleep, maybe I would reading to her or she to me. Whatever it would have been it would have been together.

Now I didn't want to leave work and go home. Home meant I had to sleep in a bed by myself. Home meant that I didn't have warm kisses and comforting hugs. Home meant no one would care if I tossed and turned from nightmares. No one would wake me up from my fears and soothe them all away. Home meant I was alone.

My head was slowly clearing out of my haze of dialudid. I had taken some before they left for the book signing. It was because I didn't want to think about her being hurt emotionally. I didn't want to think about her at all. I could feel a headache coming on, apparently it was wearing off.

I heard a commotion near the front door of the building. I looked through the glass divider and saw the team. Morgan had his arm crossed; Emily was holding a brown cardboard box as far away from her as possible; Gideon and Hotch were in animated conversation; JJ and Beth were standing having a heated discussion.

I could feel my brain taking a snapshot of them in their tableaus. How and where they stood what they looked like. Beth shivered slightly she was cold. Her face was red from the wind and chill outside. Her hair was slightly frizzy but was still curly and bouncy.

I could tell she was worried. Her body was rigid and tight though the features on her face were smooth. She had apparently won the argument as she walked by herself through the doors and began to make her way through the bullpen. Morgan was on her heels and caught up to her. He grabbed her elbow and she spun around to face him.

"I'm going to the interview room," she said angrily. "Don't try to stop me."

He smoothed over her anger. "Look, I'm not about to stop you. But do you even know where you're going?" Her face broke into a sheepish smile. "I know you're trying to do the right thing, Beth, but don't get ahead of yourself." She nodded. "Come on. I'll take you."

She looked frustrated and aggravated as he held her elbow and walked her into the back interview rooms. Morgan had the smoothed over face of professionalism.

The rest of the team entered in as well. Emily and JJ followed behind Gideon and Hotch. Emily handed over the cardboard box to a tech agent still keeping it at arms length.

"How was the book signing?" I asked looking up from my papers.

They all looked back and forth to one another. Something had obviously happened they were just debating whether they should tell me or not.

Gideon stepped forward out of the group and said, "Beth was given another package. It was found in JJ's car." He paused. "It had brown eyes in it."

My mind quickly processed the information. "Was there a note?"

Hotch didn't answer my question. "She was given this earlier in the night."

He held forward a well worn copy of Wuthering Heights. My hands opened it and quickly began thumbing through it. My long fingers scanning words looking for something anything unusual.

"It's an original," Emily said. I had already surmised that much. "This note was found inside it."

She held it forward as I quickly snatched it out of her fingers. I knew the line well but I wasn't focusing on that I was focusing on the way the note had been written. It was similar paper and the pen looked the same. The writing though was strikingly similar. My mind's eye began matching up pen stroke to pen stroke.

"Thus from my lips, by thine, my sin is purged."

"Kiss me again, but don't let me see your eyes! I forgive what you have done to me. I love my murderer--but yours! How can I?"

The m's were very distinct with the curves matching up almost exactly. The y's looped in a most peculiar way along with the connection of them in the word 'my' was also very unusual.

"So this was written by the same unsub who wrote the last note." I handed the note back to Emily.

"That was my presumption," JJ said looking oddly at me. I looked back at her innocently. She sighed and continued on. "And now Beth is insisting that we have to treat her the way we would any other witness. So now she's going to an interview room." She paused. "And I don't think any of us know how to proceed."

The team looked awkwardly back and forth to one another. None of them knew what to say so none of them said anything.

Morgan came back breaking the silence. "I gave her a cup of tea. I think she's still in some shock. She was way too calm."

They had gone back to ignoring me. I looked down at my papers. If I could go to her I could say something of comfort. It would be mechanical a line I had read from a textbook but it would be better than nothing. She would tell me what to do to make her feel better. She would say hold me here or kiss me there or let me cry. But then again that would have been a few weeks ago that would have been when we were together.

The team shuffled out of the bullpen and walked up to Gideon's office I suppose to discuss how they should proceed. How many violations had they already broken? How many could they continue to break without drawing suspicion? How should they ask her questions? Could they continue doing the detail on her?

I knew the answers to all these questions yet I didn't want to tell them any of it. I wanted to do some things myself. I got up and started walking towards the back towards the interrogation rooms.

I watched her from the observation room. She was just staring blankly into the cup. Her hands were shaking ever so slightly, so slightly that she probably didn't even realize it was happening. I felt the sudden urge to want to go in and place her on my lap. Put her there and stroke her hair and tell her I was safe that she was safe that nothing could happen to her. I had never wanted to comfort her so badly in my life.

I sighed ran my hands through my knotted hair and went into the interrogation room. I didn't care that I wasn't supposed to be there. I didn't care that I was supposed to not be involved. I didn't even care what she said to me. I had to talk to her. I opened the door and everything I had been meaning to say or do when I went in there went out the window. I just stood there staring at her. She looked up from her cup surprised and stared right back.

Her back had been straight laced and tensed. She consciously relaxed when she saw me. "What are you doing here Dr. Reid?" she asked sitting back in her chair.

I didn't answer because I didn't rightly know the answer to it myself.

"What was the name of the woman who gave you Wuthering Heights?" I couldn't look at her so I looked at my folded hands on the table.

"I'm not going to answer your questions." She sounded indignant and hot headed.

My head shot up. "What was her name?"

I was getting frustrated and angry. I was trying to help and she was making it exceedingly difficult. She looked into my eyes not shying away from confrontation. But then I realized she was searching my eyes but for what I didn't know. She was looking concerned worried and I realized that same look must be mirrored in my eyes.

"Are you even supposed to be in here?" she asked accusingly her green eyes flashing.

I couldn't take it anymore. Everyone was trying to keep me away from a case that had everything to do with me. I slammed my hands down on the table trying to get my frustration out.

"Damn it! Just answer me."

She stood up angrily pointing at me. It wasn't the reaction I was expecting. "I am not going to jeopardize the integrity of this case because you wanted to have the answers. You are not involved and I am not answering your questions." She glanced at the two-way mirror almost triumphantly. "I'm pretty sure they don't know that you're in here and I am not going to do anything to ruin the police work that is being done here."

I stood up too. I was less angry now more upset. "You're going to tell the same thing to Gideon." We were eye to eye leaning over the table at each other. "It won't hurt the case I promise."

She searched my face again looking for clues to what I was actually thinking. I traced her features with my eyes. Although I could recall her face from memory maybe I had missed something an unknown freckle a misplaced eyelash. Nothing had changed. Every freckle had remained in its place. She finally conceded to my pleading.

"Josephine." She sat back down defeated. "And don't even ask if she had a last name."

I could feel my body relaxing as I sat down. "Had she ever come to one of your book signings before?"

She picked up her tea again not meeting my eye. "I don't know. I don't remember everyone who comes to my book signings. She might of…" She paused and looked up. "Why?"

There was a long pause. I didn't know if she had figured it out. I didn't know if I was allowed to tell her. She sighed angrily. I couldn't refuse her before and I couldn't refuse her now.

"The handwriting on the note inside matches that from the first package."

"Oh, so that's why there wasn't a note from the unsub in the box." She paused and took a sip of tea. She sounded casual like we might have been talking about how the weather was. "But I thought the team concluded that my stalker was a man, not a woman."

I decided to ignore what she said and continued on with the questioning.

"Do you remember what Josephine looked like?"

She closed her eyes and tried to think. She cocked her head to one side like she does when she's concentrating and she bit her bottom lip. She opened her eyes looking somewhat undecided.

"Somewhat…?"

My face must have shown hopefulness.

"If I saw her I would be able to identify her…maybe…"

I stood up abruptly. If I staid any longer I would be in danger of never wanting to leave. And more importantly of being caught. "I'll have Garcia pull video surveillance. Maybe you can spot her again." I switched my tone to a detached one.

"Why don't you have one of the team look at it too? They might be able to spot her," she said trying to sound reassuring.

"If I had been there this would have never happened," I mumbled. I was hoping she wouldn't have heard but she did.

"Oh and why's that?" she asked sarcastically. "Would you have come in and saved the day?"

I was trying to keep my voice even. The dialudid was probably wearing off and so was my level of control. It was making me short tempered and unnecessarily mean.

"Because I would have realized who she was. And even if I didn't I have a photographic memory. I would be able to give you a descriptive picture of her." I felt my voice slowly rise in annoyance.

"I'm sorry I'm not a genius like you Dr. Reid." I flinched unconsciously at the stinging remark. She paused and looked me straight in the eye challenging me. "Are you leaving now?"

_BETH POV_

I sat in the computer room with Garcia looking at the crappy surveillance camera footage from the bookstore. I had been interviewed by Gideon. The rest of the team had given their statements. I was still being a bit heated from my confrontation with Spencer. It had come through when talking to Gideon but I still kept quiet about it. I didn't want him getting in trouble.

Garcia handed me a cookie absent mindedly. She was wearing pink hair ties in her hair with pink eye shadow and a similarly colored top. Her room was pleasantly disorganized. She had a Troll topped pen today I noted with happiness.

I took the cookie from her noted it was homemade and ate it.

"This is good," I said reaching for another from the Tupperware container.

"Thanks Bethy. I made them myself." Her eyes were scanning the computer screen. She paused. "Are you ok?"

"Yes," I replied without thinking.

"That's a lie if I ever heard one." She swiveled in her chair to face me. "Honey, why don't you just run back to him say you're sorry and kiss him senseless?" I choked on the cookie in my mouth. She ignored it. "It would make you happy and shoot me now if it wouldn't make him happy." She paused. "And it would make the rest of the team happy to see you two together again."

"I don't know if I could do that Penelope." I paused. "I don't know if my pride could take it. I don't know if I could really come back to him and say sorry. I'm too stubborn. But…" I sighed. "Things wouldn't go back to the way they were before…before…"

"Sometimes when things change they change for the better."

I felt frustrated. "But he's still…you know…still…"

She didn't respond. The clicking of the computer away in the background was the only noise.

"I know that's why you left him but do you think that was really a wise decision?"

I looked down from her face. My voice came out in barely a whisper. "I left because I couldn't watch him deteriorate. I couldn't stand watching him kill himself. I would rather leave than have the ability to do nothing." I paused and tried to keep the tears back. "I left because I wasn't strong enough to help him."

"Sweetheart," Garcia said handing me a tissue, "you are one of the strongest women I know." I dabbed at my eyes. "And Reid can be quite a bit to handle." I shook my head yes. "But I think that if anyone can do it you can. I think you have the strength."

"Really?" I looked up at her.

"He always thought about you did you know that?" she asked ignoring my question. "He would make references to you and no one had any idea it was the acclaimed Dr. Elizabeth Smalls. When JJ brought you in to consult he didn't tell anyone." She paused. "You were his first and only friend. You were his first love."

"He was my first love," I managed to say. "And my last."

"Well don't tell me that," she said swerving back to the computer screen, "tell him that." She clicked a few more times on the screen. "This is everyone filing out of the bookstore. Do you see her?"

I looked at the fuzzy picture. It was a shot from above catching part of the building and most of the street. People began slowly filing out of the bookstore. I looked for Josephine, well really the woman who had called herself that. A few teenage girls came onto the screen and behind them I saw a familiar shape. She was hunched and withdrawn the hair was the right color.

I pointed to the woman and said, "I think that's her."I squinted. "Yes, I'm almost certain that's the woman who gave me the package."

"I'll have the rest of the team try and identify her too," Garcia said as I stood up to leave. "Cookie for the road?" She reached for the container and held it towards me.

"Thank you," I said taking one and pausing, "for everything. I mean that."

She smiled and turned back to the computer. "Sometimes you need to be asked questions that you yourself are too afraid to ask."


	11. Chapter Ten:Logical Choices

_A/N: Okay, so it's been a while since I updated...and I've been getting tons of flack for it. Sorry all I can say for an excuse is I have school work...? I'lll hopefully have another chpater up soon. And please review I love hearing from you guys!_

**Chapter Ten – Logical Decisions**

SPENCER POV

"Go home kid," Morgan said. His voice held a note of concern underlined with one of anger.

I had come out of the interview room shaking from anger but mostly a headache from withdrawal.

My head shot up at his voice. "Look, Reid. I'll cover for you just this once," he paused, "but don't make me do it again."

So I had gone home, the last place that I wanted to be. Home meant I was completely and utterly alone.

I was sitting on my couch waiting for my can of soup to heat up. If Beth had been here she would have least made pasta. My eyes were just staring at the TV, it was off. I had taken four Advils at an attempt to end my headache but it had only gotten worse and was slowly turning into a migraine.

There was a knock on my door. It sounded like a cannon shot in my quiet house. I glanced down at my watch on my wrist. 11 hours 36 minutes 9 seconds…10 seconds….11seconds…

Who would be knocking at my door this late at night? I slowly rose and fumbled around for my gun in the hallway door. I took it out and held it behind me. I slowly unlocked the door.

It was Beth. She was wearing a different outfit then what I had seen her back at the BAU. Her curly hair was pulled back into a ponytail with a few wisps falling down around her face. Her face was clear of makeup making her look pale and tired. She had a matching mitten and scarf set on with her black jacket. The wind caught against her face moving her bangs to the other side.

"Hi." Her voice was small and quiet against the night. "Can…can I come in?" She fumbled with the words.

I opened the door all the way and replaced my gun in the drawer.

"Dr. Smalls, what are you doing here? It's awfully late at night. Shouldn't you be at home in bed? Where's your escort?" The words tumbled out over top of each other, my tongue tripping over the formation of them.

"I wanted to talk to you," she said quietly like it was the simplest explanation in the world. "My agent is outside in the car."

I shoved my hands into my pockets not knowing what else to do with them. I tried to clear my head of the fog it was in. What was the proper thing to do? Oh yes, ask her to sit down. After that…ask her for something to eat or drink?

Beth was one step ahead of me. She went and sat herself down on the couch. That was one thing I loved about her. She didn't expect me to understand how to implement social norms or how to follow them. Study them yes but not know how to follow through.

"Talk about what?" I asked still standing my weight shifted from foot to foot.

"About why I walked out last week." She paused looking down at her laced fingers. "About why I broke up with you."

Her bangs fell in front of her eyes blocking them from my view. What was she talking about? She told me why she left. It was because of the drugs. It was because I hadn't given them up. That was it, wasn't it?

She looked up suddenly. "Dr. Reid, Spencer…"

She paused. Her eyes darted about my face. She was searching for something. She didn't find anything apparently because she ducked her head again.

I could feel my face change slightly when she said my name. My breathing increased and my pulse quickened. She still had that much control over me. It was illogical that one person should control another person this way. I had always had control over my mind. I could make it do things others couldn't. I could remember what I saw or read. I saw pictures where others saw ideas or simple thoughts. It was complex and yes scary but it had always been something I knew the most about. But Beth had taken that perfect world of order and turned it upside down. Now I would put her in scenes that she hadn't been there for. I had conversations with her, talks with her. Her face would appear out of nowhere. I felt like I was hallucinating all the time. But logic told me it wasn't because of the dialudid. It was something I hadn't ever thought I would encounter. Something that was written about in romantic novels and talked about on talk shows. Love, a four letter world that could change so much in such a little amount of time. Now my mind and my body were hers. She could control them at will. The slightest touch the simplest word and I would lose control and didn't know what to do with myself.

She nervously put her curls back behind her ears and unconsciously sat straighter on the couch.

"Would you take me back?" she asked quietly. "If I asked you would you forgive me? Could we forget I ever left…I know things would be different and…"

There was a long pause. I looked down at her and she looked up at me. Her green clear eyes were shinning in the light of my apartment. She was on the verge of tears I could tell. Again my mind wanted to sit down beside her on the couch and pull her close to me, kiss her, and fall asleep with her curls on my chest. I shook that thought out of my head. This wasn't a book. I couldn't do that. This was real life. She needed to stay as far away from me as possible. I had only brought her misery and pain. I knew the second I started loving her it would happen.

'Sad thing is, you can love someone, and be wrong for them'.

The quote jumped to my mind before I could stop it. I was so wrong for her. Everything about me was wrong for her. I couldn't handle myself in social situations. I was more comfortable with a book then a person. I had a hard time keeping myself from blurting out random facts and situations. Most people found me annoying, gawky, and awkward. But no, she didn't. She knew all my flaws and loved me anyway.

She wanted to help me overcome them. She was being a stronger person but an illogical one. She was free. Free to live her life how she chose. Free to do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted. She didn't have to stay up late at night worrying about me. She could forget all about me like I had tried to do in Alabama six months earlier. We would become acquaintances distant friends. She would be safe and happy.

I loved her but I was logical enough to know what was best for her. And it wasn't me. The list of pros and cons I had made didn't add up. The only good thing about her coming back would be that I had her again. But that was a selfish reason. I needed to do what was best for her and not for me. Sacrifice one to save the many. It was utilitarian and simple. The way it was supposed to be.

"We can't ever date again," I said and meant it.

BETH POV

Somehow I knew that was going to be the answer but it still hurt to hear him actually say it. I shook my head trying to give away nothing.

"Well, I'm glad you've finally settled all the questions I had." I stood up and held out my hand making him shake it. "Nice working with you Dr. Reid."

He didn't say anything just awkwardly took it, shook it, and then stuck it quickly back in his pocket.

I walked to the door opened it and closed it soundly. I walked to the car that was parked part way down the street. JJ was sitting in the driver's seat trying to look nonchalant. I walked briskly back to the side of the car opened the door and sat down quietly.

"Did you do it?" she asked staring straight ahead.

"Yes." My voice came out harsh monotone. It didn't sound like me. I knew it was the logical choice. I had to do it in order to make other men safe. I was sacrificing one to save the whole. It was utilitarian and practical. "He will be watched?"

JJ nodded. "24 hours a day." She started the car and looked at me. "You did the right thing."

I sighed angrily. "It doesn't feel that way. It feels like I just fed him to the wolves."

"He needs to actually go after Spence this time and not someone who looks like him. It's the only way we can get him Beth." Her phone rang on her dashboard. She hit it and put it on speaker. "JJ."

"JJ this is Hotch. The D.C. police found the body of a Nathan Reno in his home about twenty minutes ago. He had his eyes missing and he looks like he could be Reid's twin brother." He paused. "Did you go over to Reid's?"

"It's done," I said. "He turned down my offer."

"Look I'm sorry we had to put you through that Beth-"

"I don't care…as long as nothing happens to Dr. Reid." My voice was as passionless as it had been previously. This was a business transaction nothing more.

JJ hung up the phone. There were a few minutes of silence. "Are you sure you want to go home?"

I paused a few more seconds. "Yes, I really want to sleep in my own bed tonight." I paused. "Who is watching him tonight?"

"Morgan and Emily." She turned onto to the highway heading towards Williamsburg. "You did the right thing, Beth," she repeated.

I didn't answer but just stared at the scenery going by my window. Letting myself get lost in my own thoughts. Not thinking about the case, or the stalker, or the paperwork, or JJ, or the team, or the cats, but mostly Spencer.


	12. Chapter Eleven:Unnecessary Precautions

_A/N: Hey everyone! Here's the latest chapter! Hope you all enjoy! Reviews would be much appreciated!_

**Chapter Eleven – Unnecessary Precautions**

_BETH POV_

"What are we doing here?" I asked JJ. I knew my voice was coming out harsh.

"I'm going to teach you how to shoot."

We were standing in the locker room before indoor shooting range. It was four days after my talk with Spencer. Four days that had seemed like an eternity. An eternity of checking my home phone or work phone. Four days of waiting for something to happen and nothing had. I tried to put that thought out of my mind and focus on the task at hand.

I could see many agents standing just beyond the glass window. FBI agents practiced how fast they could draw their weapon. The sound of guns popping reverberated through out the concrete bunker. Each agent was in their own cubby trying to build up their stamina in order to shoot a human being. It was terrifying and yet exciting at the same time.

"I don't have a gun."

She smiled her pony-tail swinging back and forth with joy as she did so. "I bought you one." I opened my mouth to protest but she silenced me. JJ handed me a bullet proof vest and started strapping on her own. "It'll be good for you."

I grumbled but put on the vest. It was bulky and slightly too big for me. She handed me ear mufflers and safety glasses from where they hung on the wall. We left our bags in an empty locker and proceeded into the main room where the shooting was happening.

"Here."

She handed me a hair tie. I grabbed my curls roughly and tied them back. She checked the sheet on the wall to see what station we were. She motioned with her hand for me to follow her. I did in silence. We arrived at our station. A gun was sitting there with a clip of ammunition.

"Now, this," she said shouting to be heard above the shots, "is a P SERIES of Ruger." She pointed to the gun on the little ledge. It was slightly small with a black grip and sliver body. Small enough for the size of my hands but large enough to be a genuine threat. "It's a semi automatic. Meaning that to arm the gun you pull back on the slide. After every shot you don't need to rearm the gun unlike a revolver." She picked it up and took the top part of the gun and slid it forward and back. "It's a 9mm meaning that you use 9mm rounds when you shoot. You get six rounds per clip." She uncocked the gun and took the clip. "You buy the bullets like this. You load it in through the but of the gun like so." She jammed the clip in from the bottom and pulled back on the slide. "Your non-dominate hand always goes on the but of the gun. The other on the grip. You leave your finger on the side of the barrel until you are sure you want to shoot." She paused and said, "Let me see you do it."

She emptied the gun, uncocked it, and handed it to me. It was lighter than I expected. If I closed my eyes I could almost imagine that nothing was there except a small paperback book. I loaded it slamming the clip into the but of the gun. My hand slightly stung from the impact. I pulled back on the slide locking the clip into place. I placed my left hand on the but of the gun and my right on the grip. My arms were out straight locking them into position for firing.

JJ came up behind me and fixed my arms. She whispered into my ear. "You're going to sight down the barrel. Aim a little high. The curve of the bullet is going to cause it to be slightly lower than you want." I fixed my sight and aimed. "Slowly move your finger unto the trigger." I could feel my index finger slightly shake with the adrenaline flowing through my body. "Release a steady pressure onto the trigger. Press down gently but firmly."

She stopped me before I could pull the trigger and handed me my safety glasses and ear mufflers. I quickly put them on and she did the same. She nodded for me to shoot.

I took the gun back from on the counter, re-cocked it, and aimed. I took a deep breath and pulled the trigger. The recoil from the gun made my hands jerk upward violently. I looked to my left. JJ smiled and nodded for me to do it again. I lowered my gun pointing it muzzle to the floor. I took a deep breath trying to steady my nerves. I aimed again and fired. This time I was expecting the kickback so my hands didn't sting as much. I repeated the aiming and firing again. I tried to keep my arms in pretty much the same position but I knew they weren't clustered close together. When I finished empting my clip I placed the gun on the counter and took off my ear mufflers. JJ did the same.

She reached over my head and hit the red button. It brought the human-shaped target up close for inspection. I hadn't done poorly. I had hit the target: two in the groin, one in the head, and three in the chest. The accuracy wasn't that bad the groupings were very far apart. But I had been aiming for the same spot. I didn't tell JJ that though.

JJ smiled. "Not bad for your first time, Beth." She laughed. "Better then Spence by far." I laughed too.

"But I'm sure you were far superior your first time shooting?" I said posing it as a question.

"Well, I am naturally athletic." She unclipped the target and handed it to me. "Again?" she asked.

I nodded and put my mufflers back on as she put on a new human shaped target. I reloaded my gun and locked my arms. I felt like I could do this all day. The adrenaline rush, the popping sound of a gun, and the feel of a weapon in my hand was all something that was starting to appeal to me.

_SPENCER POV_

I started walking to the subway station. It was 30 degrees and dropping. I had forgotten my coat again this morning. The wind whipped at my face. I could feel my nose becoming pink.

I saw a black sedan pass me. I recognized it. It was Government Issue the license plate was one that I had driven before. I was being followed by my own team. I shook my head and slowed down my pace. If I arrived too late at the station they would have to double back and make sure I was still there. Then I could be sure even though I already was.

This was completely unnecessary. Nothing had changed that would give them cause to follow me. It was completely irrational.

I looked up quickly to see the sedan double back. It was definitely Government Issue. Nothing was going to happen out on the street I had no idea what they were thinking.

I could easily evade them by taking a side street and going to work that way. It would be easy to cut up where a car couldn't follow and walk the entire way. It would show them that I didn't need any help. I could be perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I looked down at the gun in my holster. Even if I did look like an easy target I could take down anyone who tried to hurt me. I had done it twice before. I could do it again.

The car passed me and I calculated the time it would take them to turn around. It was enough time to disappear down a side street coming up on my left. The probability of anything happening to me was low. The benefits outweighed the costs. I quickly turned left and out of sight.

They wouldn't say anything about it at the office. I wasn't supposed to know I was being followed. I smiled to myself as I thought about the looks on the agents faces in the sedan.

CMCMCMCMCMCMCMCM

Morgan and Emily were standing looking at the board of pictures. Hotch was up talking in his office with Gideon. JJ wasn't there yet. I wondered where she was briefly and then continued to my desk.

"You're late, kid."

I jerked my head up. He was standing there arms crossed and his face set. I tried to look as neutral as possible.

"The subway was running late."

Emily cut the animosity between us. "You received a letter." She paused. "It's from the unsub."

She held forth the letter and I ripped it from her grip. I assessed the letter and realized the handwriting was the same.

"You can shed tears that she is gone,

or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,

be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what she'd want:

smile, open your eyes, love and go on."

Emily continued as I looked up. "Beth also received a package this morning. She hasn't seen it yet." She handed me another piece of paper. "We haven't found the victim yet."

I looked at the elegant writing. My mouth formed a tight line as I read:

"For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart."

"He gave her a set of ears," Morgan said sounding perturbed.

"Judy Garland wrote this," I said pointing at the piece of parchment paper. "She was actually a pretty accomplished poet and wrote quite a collection. And the letter to me was written by David Harkins. Queen Elizabeth II read it at her mother's funeral back in 2002."

I looked at my hand shaking as I held both pieces of paper. I handed them roughly back to Emily.

"Reid, you realize we weren't supposed to show them to you." Morgan stated. "Beth doesn't know about the package and we are going to keep it that way." He took a step towards me. "JJ is going to give a statement today about what we have so far. We're giving a description of what you look like but only saying that this is the type of man he is killing."

I nodded and swallowed a little convulsively. JJ walked in and surveyed the scene.

"She's at William and Mary for the rest of the day," she said addressing our question about Beth. "She still has no idea. This needs to be kept as quiet as possible."

We looked back and forth at each other. We understood the gravity of the situation. Morgan uncrossed his arms and Emily went back to her desk.

Hotch pocked his head out of the office and called out to JJ, "You ready for the press?"

_BETH POV_

Students began filling out of the room picking up backpacks and notes. The chatter of conversations filled the room. I had just given an in-depth explanation about Portia in 'Merchant of Venice'. Most of the time they weren't paying attention I could tell. Some of the concepts they were having trouble understanding.

One student lagged behind the others and came up to my desk.

"Dr. Smalls?"

I looked up from where I had been shuffling around papers and met the face of Matt Jones. He was tall lanky boy with brown hair and brown eyes. He was standing nervously in front of me.

"Yes, Matt."

"I…" He stopped and collected his thoughts. "…I wanted to talk to you about something…"

"Sure what's bothering you?" I asked concerned.

He looked down at his feet. "I saw on the news today…about a serial killer…whose killing men who…who look like me."

I felt my heart drop to the floor. This young man was concerned about his own safety. And somehow I felt responsible. I tried to pull together something to say. Before I could speak he began talking.

"He's killed three men so far-"

"Wait-three?" I asked surprised.

He looked up startled. "Yes, they haven't released the names yet but-"

I sighed angrily and ran a hand through my hair my fingers getting caught on the knots.

"She lied to me," I mumbled.

"What?"

I closed my eyes took a deep breath and assumed a cherry voice. "Matt I don't think there is anything to worry about. But I'm glad you told me." I searched around my desk for a card for security and student services. "Here are some people you should get in touch with and express your concerns with," I said after finding it. "And here's my home phone number in case you ever need anything." I hastily scrawled it across the back.

He took the card and smiled. "Thanks for not thinking I'm crazy."

I smiled. "Come on I'll walk you all the way to my office."

I packed up my things and he waited for me. I walked with him down the hallway and said I hoped to see him in class next week. I went into my office unlocking it with my key and closed the door securely behind me.

I dropped all my things onto the chair by the door. Wearily I walked over to my desk and sat down in behind it. Picking up the phone I dialed JJ's number.

"You better have a damn good reason for not telling me about the latest murder."


	13. Chapter Twelve:The Choices We Make

**Chapter Twelve – The Choices We Make**

_SPENCER POV_

Morgan gripped the wheel tightly of the SUV. "Ten minutes, Reid. No more no less."

We were sitting outside of Eric Longfellow's house the latest victim. Without me even asking he had driven me here. He knew I had to see the crime scene. It was like someone with OCD. The act had to be preformed until the urge went away.

I cut the time scene tape to the house and walked inside. I stood in Longfellow's foyer. It was bigger than my bedroom. He was obviously wealthy he worked for the government. Someone somewhere was supplementing his income. I slipped on blue latex free gloves and began to walk around the house.

There was no sign of forced entry. No window had been jammed, no lock had been picked, and there wasn't a sign of anything unusual. I looked into the living room which was connected to the kitchen. A pool of dried blood was on the tile in the kitchen. One of the kitchen chairs was set in the center of it. Remnants of duct tape were on the legs and arms.

Longfellow had been tortured for several hours and then his ears removed and then he was shot from point blank range in the back of the head. Just like the previous victims. I turned back around trying to figure out how he had entered.

All the victims would have wanted to trust this man they were letting into their house. He would have to look unassuming and not pose a threat. All the victims were over six feet tall and were slightly athletic. He would have to be a cable man or a plumber, electrician, a dog walker. But the team had already exhausted all of these angles and had come up empty. What was the connection? How was he gaining access and control?

A loud thump startled me and I whirled around. A tabby cat sat there blinking at me accusingly. I tensed. Cats, dogs, children, and anything cute and cuddly didn't like me. Its bright green eyes stared at me. It was a showdown for the ages. It then grew bored yawned and jumped down and began to lap up the dried blood on the floor.

I slowly inched my way around the cat and went up the stairs to his bedroom. The bed was made, the pillows fluffed, and nothing was out of place. Nothing of interest. His bathroom was also spotless. One toothbrush in the holder, a multipurpose shampoo-conditioner, nothing that indicated that someone else lived there. No pictures of anyone else besides him. It was him rock climbing, him skiing, on a beach, and him horseback riding.

He was a bachelor as much as I was one.

I went to his office and looked around. It was a haphazard mess. Nothing was in its place. Papers were strewn everywhere. Books were open to random pages, sticky notes were on various objects, and the computer was still on.

I went over to the screen. It wasn't password protected. I looked at everything. His files, his recent searches. I don't know what I was looking for. I was hoping for something to click. I was hoping my mind would make connections to the other crimes to Beth. But nothing was happening. It was a dead end just like everything else.

I pushed my hair out of my eyes and headed out of the room. But I paused just as I was about to leave. A phone number on a sticky note caught my eye.

Cat and Dog sitter, it read in strong male writing. It wasn't the words the necessarily had my attention. It was the spacing, the slant, the pressure, the way the letters were written so uniquely. It was the unsub's handwriting. I grabbed it and ran down the stairs to Morgan's waiting SUV.

_BETH POV_

I walked into my apartment tossing my keys onto the kitchen table and tossing my bag to the floor as well. I pulled off my gloves one finger at a time and unbuttoned my jacket. Stuffing my gloved in the pocket I went to go turn on the tea kettle. I undid my curls from the few bobby pins holding it together.

I had had a long talk with JJ. A talk I never wanted to have again. She apologized. I yelled. I wasn't sure if I was going to forgive her yet. She thought she was protecting me. She thought she was helping me. She was making it worse. Yes I wanted it to go away. Yes I wanted it to go away. But it wasn't and wouldn't. So she had no right to keep me out of the loop.

I went over to the couch and wearily took off my boots. I glanced at the clock on my TV. It said 5pm. I knew the cats would want to be fed.

"Mina," I called. "Jane."

I expected a meow or the small thump of them jumping off my bed. Silence greeted my ears.

"Mina? Jane?"

Again nothing. I stood up stretching my back and went into my bedroom. They weren't sleeping there. I walked into my office. They weren't there either. I checked the bathroom. Nothing. Where were they? They couldn't be hiding. It was dinner time they would be hungry.

Then it hit me. I raced to my phone and dialed JJ's number.

"JJ," she said after the second ring.

"He took the cats Jen."

"Beth? Who took what?"

"He broke into my house and took Mina and Jane!" I exclaimed. "He was in my house Jen."

There was a pause. "Stay there I'm coming to get you."

_SPENCER POV_

Morgan dropped me off at my apartment complex. He turned off the SUV and looked at me with a look I knew well.

"Listen kid that's the last favor I do for you. Stay away from the case."

"I realize that."

He paused. "How much is it going to take to make you quit?"

I looked away and unbuckled getting out of the car. I knew that if I said anything my voice would give me away. At least I could hide my body language better.

"Damn it Reid." He hit his palm against the steering wheel. "We can't keep covering it up forever. Sooner or later someone higher up is going to find out and then we can't stop anything that happens to you. We've been putting our necks on the line and you aren't even doing anything about it."

I slammed the car door. I knew what he said was true but I didn't want to hear it. I wanted to go in and sleep. I didn't want to think about it anymore. He drove away angrily hitting the gas. I climbed the steps wearily to my apartment trying to clear my head. I opened the door unclipped my holster and placed it with my gun in the table in my hallway. I then took off my light jacket. It was cold enough that I should have worn my heavier one but I had forgotten it that morning.

I flexed my fingers trying to regain feeling back in them. I watched as the white long fingers became pink again ignoring the shooting pain that went through them.

I walked into my kitchen and turned on the coffee maker. A sound caught my attention. I turned towards it. I didn't see anyone just a hand. A cloth went over my mouth. The sting in my nose told me it was chloroform. I struggled my limbs flailing as I tried to hit him. The hand clamped harder and blackness began to engulf me. I shoved as hard as I could into his stomach. He made a sound and jumped back. I grabbed his hand on my mouth but it only clasped tighter. It was getting hard to breath. I would pass out from suffocation before the drug had taken full effect.

One thought entered my mind as I began to lose consciousness.

"I didn't tell her one last time that I loved her."


	14. Chapter Thirteen:Decisions We Make

**Chapter Thirteen – Decisions We Make**

SPENCER POV

Sounds and light where the first thing I remember. A soft muffled noise and the shifting of light. Then a cold hard surface. I was on a floor. By the temperature I made the assumption that it was in a basement. I could hear water dripping in the distance. My nose stung from the stench of chloroform and my face was sore from where he had roughly grabbed me.

I moved my muscles testing out how they worked. My whole back screamed in pain. I had been handled roughly and my lean frame could not handle it.

I slowly opened my eyes. Everything slowly came into focus as I looked around the big space I was in. My hands were handcuffed to an exposed pipe. It was a furnished basement. There was a living room with a TV, a kitchenette, and a bed. I saw something stir in the bed.

A hand fell out from underneath the covers. A small perfectly formed hand. I knew that hand anywhere.

I felt panic begin to rise in my stomach.

"Beth," I whispered. "Beth."

She stirred then slowly made her way sitting up. Her curls bounced in her face. She was clutching her head. She looked about her surroundings a confused look on her face. Then she saw me and realization hit her.

She bolted out of bed.

"Careful!" I said as she did so. "The chloroform will make you dizzy."

She almost tripped and fell but managed to stay up. Her legs were wobbly and she held her arms out in front of her to steady herself.

"Spencer!" she cried falling to her knees, throwing her arms around my neck and hugging me. "I thought….we thought….you're alive!"

She pulled back to look at me. She gently touched my eyebrow. I winced as her fingertips found a cut.

"Sorry," she said quietly. Her hands went to my handcuffs. "He really hurt you. I'm so sorry, Spencer."

"It's not that bad. I promise," I said softly watching her worried eyes scan me over. "But…I thought you were safe? How…why are you here?"

"He came to my door. I thought it was Jen. She told me she was coming back for me to spend the night on the couch." She paused and took a breath. "He took Mina and Jane. But then she called and said that you were missing and I didn't know what to do." She threw her arms around my neck again. "I didn't know what to do," she whispered again. I put my head on her shoulder trying to think of what was comforting to do. What men had done in books and movies. What Morgan had told me. "So I heard a knock on the door and I didn't check like I normally do. I opened it and I got a rag shoved in my face and now I'm here." She paused. "I'm so scared."

"Listen to me very carefully, Beth," I said. "You have to do whatever he says." I paused. "Do you understand? Whatever it is you have to do it. He doesn't want to hurt you he wants to love you. He's created an entirely fictional world were you and he are in a relationship. Where you are together and you love him as much as he loves you. He's delusional and probably is suffering from a form of schizophrenia. Look at me Beth." She pulled away slowly. "Promise me." She bit her lip unsure. "Promise me," I said more forcefully.

"…I promise…"

We heard footsteps coming down the stairs. It was a heavy tread of boots making a heavy sound.

"Quick go back to bed."

She released me quickly and stumbled back to the bed and pulled herself under the covers looking like she was still under the pull of chloroform.

_BETH POV _

I lay there trying to make my breathing even. Trying to look like I was asleep, well not asleep but under the spell of drugs. I could hear the man breathing heavily. His scent was something familiar to me. I could feel him gaze at me longingly from the stair way. He walked over and brushed a curl away from my cheek. His hands were smooth as he rubbed his thumb against my cheek. His lips brushed lightly against my forehead.

"Wake up, my love." His voice was light airy almost feminine.

I opened my eyes and stood looked in the face of a very effeminate man. His cheekbones were very defined and sharp. His bright blue eyes took in my face. His chin was round not square and his eyelashes were long and curly.

"Hello," I said quietly hoping my voice wouldn't give me away.

I sat up as he said, "Now is that anyway to greet your boyfriend? Kiss please." And he giggled like a little girl.

I pecked him on the cheek and he sighed contented. I could tell as I stood up that he had been the girl Josephine from the book signing. His face and tone matched it all but he was less timid then he had been more confident.

I glanced at Spencer who was obviously awake. He gave a slight nod though he looked like he was about to burst into tears at any moment.

"Would you like some tea?" he asked leading me over to the kitchenette one arm around my waist.

"Sure," I said sitting down at the table. He poured some tea. "Thank you," I said and smiled.

I could see why he thought I wouldn't like him. He was short, broad, and well toned which made his voice almost comical. He just about floated around the room.

"Now," he said grabbing my hands from around the mug. "I have a surprise for you to make you a bit more comfortable here. Close your eyes." I did slowly and hesitantly. "No peeking!"

I heard him moving away. I had never been so tense in my life. I was trying to calm myself and to think logically.

"Now you can open them," he said.

I did so and saw the surprise. In one hand he had a struggling black cat and in the other a struggling white one. Mina was meowing profusely while Jane kept hissing. He put them down hastily and they both bolted to underneath the bed. I was too speechless to say anything.

I finally managed to say, "Thank you."

He sat on the table in front of me and brushed a curl behind my ear. I stayed stock still not wanting to move a muscle.

"Anything for you, Beth." He paused. "I love you."

He looked at me expectantly. I just looked back and smiled.

I finally got the message and said, "I love you."

It was the worst feeling saying those three simple words. I knew the only reason I was saying those was so that he didn't hurt me but mostly Spencer. I felt my heart drop into the pit of my stomach and I didn't feel well. I took a sip of tea trying to settle my nerves.

"Come here, love," he said his voice still high pitched. "Let us sit on the bed."

I placed the tea down, took his hand, and followed him. He placed me on the bed. I sat rigidly with my back as straight as possible. His arm went around my waist and he pulled me close to him.

"You know I changed myself just for you, dear," he said quietly. "I knew you wouldn't like me in my original form."

"Original…?"

"Women aren't your type love and I had wanted to be a man for so long."

"So you're….you're…."

"Well, I was a woman." He paused and turned his whole body to face mine his eyes lit up happily. "But I am so glad you like me better this way!"

It made sense the woman at the book signing had been him. I looked him full in the face again. Yes. It could have been Josephine. I was most certain it was.

"…of course I do…" I managed to stammer out.

"I'll never forget the first day we met," he continued his voice sounding dreamy. "I had been a big fan of your books for a long time and then when your lovely friend Jen invited me to sit the cats for you well I couldn't refuse."

"…Jen…you watched Mina and Jane?" I asked trying to make it sound less like a question.

"Yes," he paused and brushed a curl behind my ear. His fingers were smooth but icy cold, "last June when you went away to Alabama. You were working a case with the FBI. You had tried convincing her that they didn't need a sitter but she got one anyway." He paused. "It was the greatest day of my life. The day I saw you and I realized I couldn't be a woman anymore." He smiled at me happily. "I remember what you were wearing. Black slacks, and a purple top with your hair pulled back."

Suddenly and without warning he kissed me full on the mouth.

_SPENCER POV_

The move he made was sudden and unexpected. She stiffened even more trying to resist his tongue as it slid into her mouth.

I felt my body grow tense as I watched them. His mouth on hers and his hands on her waist though they didn't stay there for long. I was disgusted. I was angry but I was something else. Jealous. I hadn't felt that emotion ever in my life. I had never had a logical reason to. But as I watched him kiss her I felt it the strong and powerful. I felt angry as I watched him force his advances on her.

And unfortunately it made me do something illogical.

"Stop it!" I cried.

I immediately regretted it as soon as it came out of my mouth. Beth pulled away quickly and he looked over at me angrily.

He stood up slowly exaggerating his presence. Beth looked at me her eyes wide with fear. She was the most still I had ever seen her. Her very body language spoke uncertainty and fear.

He bent over me and said, "Oh? You break her heart not once but twice and now you want me to stop kissing her?" He placed a kick in my stomach. I winced and gasped tears springing to my eyes. I heard Beth cry out from the bed. "I'm sorry I can't accommodate you." He kicked me again. "So why don't you just shut up?"

Beth had rushed over and clung to his arm. I could tell it was taking every amount of strength to not rush down to me.

"Please," she whispered tears in her eyes, "stop it." She bit her lip to not cry. She was searching my face trying to see how badly I was injured. "Stop hurting him. He doesn't mean any harm."

He spit in my face. Beth visibly winced.

"Of course he means harm." He turned away from me to face her. "He has harmed you in so many ways but not anymore." He brushed his hand against his cheek. She tried not to turn away and closed her eyes to prevent tears. Then he kissed her again but this time more forcibly. "I'm here now," he said as he pulled away. He looked vehemently at me. "And soon he won't be."

Beth looked at me horrified but she couldn't move. She wanted to rush to me and hold me I could tell. But mostly she wanted me holding her. She wanted me to comfort her. But I couldn't offer her any. I didn't know if I ever could now.

He went back to kissing her and pushed her back on the bed. She was resisting but he wasn't noticing. He was fiddling with trying to take off her shirt but she wasn't letting him. He moved his lips down her face to her neck.

I was watching Beth trying to not get raped.

It was like the worst nightmare of my life. I couldn't wake from it though. I couldn't stop it. This was worse than all the flashbacks I had ever witnessed while high. This was nothing when Tobias Henkel held me hostage or when Hotch and I were in the hospital at gun point or Prentiss and I in the cult camp. This was worse than the pain of her leaving; worse than having to turn her down when she wanted to take me back.

I felt my mouth go dry and my palms begin to sweat. My body was shaking and I couldn't get it to stop. I wanted to look away but I couldn't. I had to watch this. Something in me compelled me. How could I stay silent? I had to say something but the words wouldn't come.

"Stop," I heard her say quietly.

His hands stopped from where they were under her shirt. He pulled away slowly with what I assumed was a puzzled look on his face.

"Stop?" he asked his high nasally voice sounding hurt.

She paused, gathering air into her lungs. She was thinking of what to say.

"Not with him watching." She paused again and she glanced down to where I was on the floor. "Please."

He sat up slowly. "Of course, my love. How could I be so insensitive?" He giggled again.

"Can we just watch TV and go to bed?" she asked quietly. "I'm getting a headache."

Her voice sounded tiny in the basement; tiny and scared. He moved off of her so that she could get up. She smoothed down her hair and fixed her shirt. She looked at me tears threatening to spill over. I knew my eyes matched hers. I was trying to tell her it was ok. I wasn't sure the message was getting through though.

_BETH POV_

I lay underneath the covers of the large bed. He had lain there with me until he had thought I had fallen asleep. He had then crept out quietly up the steps out of the furnished basement. I had felt his large buffed arms around me. He thought I had fallen asleep in his arms. I had been so stiff my muscles ached. But most of all I felt violated and dirty. I moved quietly out from underneath the covers. All the lights were out and I waited for my eyes to adjust.

I saw the form of Spencer still laying on the floor his handcuffs around the one exposed pipe in the room. I made my way to him.

"Spencer," I said quietly trying to not make my voice shake. "Spencer."

I fell down hard on my knees. I could tell his whole body was exhausted and that he was sore and hurt.

"Spencer," my voice broke.

He didn't answer me. His head was down on the floor and his eyes didn't open. I started crying. I had never felt so helpless and out of control before in my life. I couldn't do anything to help him or myself. We were stuck here until someone found us. I sobbed even harder.

I ran back to the bed and grabbed an extra pillow and blanket. It was cold down in the basement and he was shivering a bit. I gently placed the pillow under his head and wrapped him up as best as I could.

"Spencer," I sobbed out, "please answer me."

His head immediately shot up and he looked at my disheveled appearance. He ignored the pillow and blanket and tried to sit up. I helped him as best as I could. The handcuffs made an ominous clanging sound as they slid up the pipe.

"Did he break your ribs?" I asked quietly.

He shook his head no. He looked at the tears that were coming down my face and he looked like he was going to cry too.

"Did he…?" Spencer left the question unfinished.

He was looking me directly in the eye.

I looked down and managed to choke out, "Almost."

But I burst into tears again and buried my face into my hands. I felt so dirty and unclean. I felt used and violated. It made my stomach turn and my mouth run dry. I heard Spencer move and I felt myself being pulled to him. I was so confused. I wasn't used to this display of affection from his without me telling him. I wasn't used to him knowing how to react in social situations. But I only thought about it for a split second and succumbed to him. He had managed to move himself so that his back was up against the wall. I was in-between his arms sobbing uncontrollably.

I curled up into a ball there and just sobbed into his chest. I don't know how much it hurt him. I don't know how uncomfortable it was. But I felt safer there.

"Beth," he said quietly.

I looked up at him. He had the lecture quality in his voice again. I didn't like what this implied.

"I know how we are going to get out of here."


	15. Chapter Fourteen:Escape is Necessary

_A/N: Were finally winding down to the end of the beth/spencer saga. This is my favorite chapter I have written so far. I love it! Reviews are greatly appreciated. I haven't really gotten any yet for this story so yeah...*hint hint* But I hope you enjoy reading it just as much as I enjoyed writing it._

**Chapter Fourteen – Escape is Necessary**

_BETH POV_

I heard him before I saw him. I heard him turning on the lights and walking down the stairs. I heard him rustle about in the kitchen and tiptoeing over to my bed. I heard him lean down and then I felt him kiss me on my forehead to wake me up. I remembered where his hands had been last night, where they had almost been. I felt sick to my stomach but I managed to open my eyes and look into the clear blue eyes of my stalker.

"Good morning," I said pulling the taught corners of my mouth up at him.

"Morning, love," he replied his voice still light and airy his features still undeniably feminine. "How did you sleep?"

"Fine, thank you," I said sitting up and rubbing my sore muscles from my struggle with him the day before. Jane was curled up on the edge of the bed. I didn't know where Mina was.

"Breakfast?" he asked handing me a tray of tea, pancakes, and a bowl of fruit.

I glanced at Spencer still curled up on the floor. I wished I could give him the entire plate. He was hungry, thirsty, cold and tired. I could do nothing to change that but I wished with all my being that I could.

"Thank you," I said my voice small as I slowly chewed a few pieces of fruit.

I wasn't feeling particularly hungry. But I had to look like I wanted to be here. I had to look like I loved it here. Both of our lives depended on it.

"I have something I want to show you," he said going over to the kitchenette and the table in it.

He picked up what was obviously a photo album and handed it to me. I flipped open the cover and there was a picture of me from when I was little; a picture that no one but my parents was supposed to have. I tried to hide my shaking hands as I flipped through the album. There were pictures from me in elementary school, junior high, high school, and Penn State. There were newspaper clippings, internet reviews about my books and William and Mary newsletters. As I flipped farther back in the book I found pictures of me from more recently. They were from about July on, when I had left for Alabama. It was a picture of me in shorts and skirts, t-shirts and tank tops. It then switched to slacks and sweaters, hats and scarves. Each picture was dated with a time. Some were taken outside my house, some at my local store, some at the university, and some were even in JJ's car or on the subway. There were a few pictures that were obviously cropped. I knew it was because Spencer was in them. It was us in the park reading a book, or us walking hand in hand in Williamsburg, or us having a debate outside my door. I then got to the last few. It was of me sleeping on the couch waiting for Spencer. And there was even a few where I was sleeping in my own bed.

"Happy six month anniversary," he said when I had finally gotten to the end. He kissed me on the cheek. "Do you like it?"

A pang went through my stomach. It wasn't supposed to be our six month anniversary it was supposed to be me and Spencer's. I swallowed trying to make my face look happy and clear my eyes of sadness and disgust.

"Yes, thank you." I looked up at him and said quietly. "But I didn't get you anything."

He sat down gracefully on the bed and wrapped his arms around me. Apparently all was forgiven. He didn't mind at all. I tried to not stiffen and not be rigid. But he noticed it. He rubbed my arms and smiled. I gave a tentative smile back.

"What's the matter?" he asked pouting. "Aren't you happy? I made your favorite things for breakfast!"

He sounded like a disappointed prepubescent girl. I moved the tray off of my lap and got out of bed. I glanced at Spencer. He was still asleep. I wanted to look at him for some comfort or assurance but I was getting nothing.

"…I am happy…" I paused closing my eyes and gathering strength for what I was about to do. I opened them again slowly. "But…I…what are we doing with _him_?" I asked trying to sound disgusted.

He smiled a long slow smile. "Oh don't worry, love. I'll take care of him." He pulled me into a hug. "I wanted to wait until today to finish him. I wanted to do it on our anniversary."

I pulled away to look at him. "…can…can I help you?" I asked the words forming slowly. "I want to make him pay for what he did to me."

His smile grew even wider. "Of course you can, Love."

"Can we do it now?" I asked even more quietly than before. "I want to never see him again."

He was looking deeply into my eyes trying to read what I was saying. I tried to keep them clear and honest. He pulled his mouth to mine and clumsily kissed me. I tried to not pull away and to not resist what he wanted. I tried to ignore where his hands were going and what they wanted to do. I didn't want to feel violated again but what could I do? I had to give a little to get out of here.

He pulled away finally after what seemed an eternity.

"I'll go…I'll…let you go as far as you want if…you let me kill, Spencer."

I swallowed trying to hide my fear with a smile. I moved my hands down his shirt and slid them up underneath it feeling his stomach. His eyes lit up at my words and movements.

"Let's wake him up," he said his voice higher and more airy than before.

_SPENCER POV_

I lay on the ground of the basement. I had woken up ever since the light had flicked on. But I lay still pretending I was asleep. I had to make sure I had the upper hand no matter how slight. I knew it would make Beth uneasy but she had to realize that this was my plan and I would carry it through however I saw fit.

I could feel him walking over to my form on the ground. I braced my stomach for the kick I knew his boot would give me. By instead he grabbed my hair and yanked my head up roughly. I gasped and opened my eyes.

"Wake up, Spencer." His voice had grown somewhat deeper as he said it.

He took a key out of his pocket and un-handcuffed my right hand from the pipe. He violently twisted it behind my back making me cry out in pain. Beth was watching me with wide green eyes from the bed. I could see she was trying hard not to cry out to tell him to stop. I was trying to convey to her that everything would be right but I think I managed to look more scared then I really was.

He handcuffed both my hands behind my back and roughly forced me up. Beth was looking me up and down obviously surveying my damaged body. She bit her lip, chewing it forcefully to keep back tears.

He moved me to sit on one of the chairs in the kitchenette and shoved me down into the seat.

"Elizabeth's decided that she doesn't want you here anymore," he said his voice echoed in the basement. "I wanted to take care of you myself but," he grabbed her around the waist, "she wanted to help."

He went over one of the cabinets and pulled out a pistol. He handed the well crafted firearm to Beth. It was the gun he had used to kill men who looked like me. It was the gun that now was going to be the end of this nightmare.

"Go ahead, love." He smiled lovingly at her. "Shoot him."

Beth looked at me eyes still wide and uncertain. He was kissing her cheek working his way down to her neck not paying attention to what he was doing. She was as stiff as I had ever seen her. It was making those feelings of jealousy that I had tried to compartmentalize earlier come back. I had never been the violent type but I was irrationally daydreaming about hitting him. It was something I was not used to.

I nodded to her encouragingly.

"…C…can we not do it in the…down here?" she asked slowly. "I don't want blood to get everywhere…down here."

He stopped his caresses and looked up immediately at her.

"Oh?" he said his voice if possible got even higher. "What a good idea! I knew I loved you for a reason." He tapped the tip of her nose with his finger.

But Beth wasn't looking at him she was looking at me. She was looking at me with fear and dread but all I could do was look back and nothing else.

_BETH POV_

He had dragged Spencer forcefully up the stairs and outside. I followed meekly behind his gun still clutched in my hand. I was scared about what I was going to have to do and I was hoping it wouldn't show. I was hoping it came off like I was scared to kill a man.

The house was normal enough but barely furnished. It was evidently very old and in the middle of nowhere. I glanced out the front window. A car! I thanked the heavens quite profusely for giving me such a gift. I looked back around and followed him out the back screen door.

It was cold outside with the sun barely rising above the trees. My breath hung in a cold mist before me. I wrapped my arms around myself to try and stay warm and prevent myself from shivering.

Spencer was thrown to the ground hitting his knees hard. His hair fell in front of his eyes blocking them from my view.

"Can…can we take off his handcuffs?" I asked.

He complied with my request. Spencer brought his hands in front of him and rubbed his wrists. I could see the marks that the cool metal had made in them.

"Better, my love?" he asked as he came over to me and wrapped his arm around my waist.

He was warm and I tried to stop myself from instinctively leaning into him.

"…yes…thank you…" I responded quietly.

"Now finish him," he said through gritted teeth.

I raised my gun so that it was level with Spencer's head.

Spencer lifted his head and said sadly, "Can I get one last request?"

Spencer looked towards me carefully. He opened his mouth to protest but I lowered my gun and swallowed forming the next words carefully.

"We should…allow it." I took a deep breath aching for the next part of the plan. "What do you want?"

Spencer's eyes locked onto mine. "One last kiss, Beth?"

This reminded me so painfully of the first time that he had asked to kiss me. How he had made it out like it was a mistake and then tried to rectify it by getting up to leave. His voice held the same note of uncertainty and his eyes the same look of dread.

"That is absolutely out of the-"

I raised my hand to silence him. I turned to face him. His perfect cheekbones were flushed with anger.

"It's his dying request," I said pleadingly.

He brushed a blonde curl behind my ear. "If it's ok with you…"

I nodded though I tried to make myself look horrified. I handed him my gun and went the few feet were Spencer was kneeling. I fell to my own knees. They landed on rough hard earth. He brushed a curl behind my ear that had fallen forward again. He had been learning from movies and books. I was feeling quite proud of him. His large brown eyes locked onto mine and I was making my hands ready for the switch.

His lips captured mine and I tried to think clearly. He was hesitant and slow like the first time I had ever kissed him. I had missed this. I had missed the way he used to lean into me like he wasn't sure if I was still there. I had missed the way he smelled, the way his hands clumsily moved when he was distracted by my mouth.

I was done; I had made the switch without him noticing behind me. But Spencer was having a hard time pulling away. His hands were clutching my face to his. He was making me want to pull him to me and take off his shirt and pants. I had never wanted him as badly as I did now. I had to stop myself, I had to regain control. Our rhythmic kissing finally slowed and he pulled away finally, quickly lowering his hands from my head.

I stood up slowly trying to keep back tears. My lips were swollen from our frantic kissing. I'm sure I looked like a complete mess. Spencer had nodded slowly it was impossible to see if it had been anyone else but me. I took the gun back from him and slowly raised it to Spencer's head.

His arm went around my waist again and he pulled me close. "Finish him, love. Do it for us. Once he's gone it can just be us."

Spencer looked at me telling me I had to. I slowly nodded back. Spencer closed his eyes. I closed my eyes tightly as well and pulled the trigger like JJ had taught me.

_SPENCER POV_

The shot missed my head and went over my right shoulder just like we had planned. I stood up rapidly and grabbed Beth's gun from where she had shoved it down the front of my pants under my vest.

The unsub had grabbed Beth's purse when he had taken her which was on the kitchenette table back in the basement. She had stored the gun in her purse. He had thought he had been thinking of her and had been thoughtful by bringing her handbag along. He had without knowing it armed both of us.

Muscle memory took over and I immediately went into the stance Hotch had taught me. But something was wrong. Beth wasn't by my side with his gun as well. He had grabbed her in the confusion with his arm around her waist. They were wrestling with the gun but he quickly over powered her and held the pistol against her temple.

She was shaking uncontrollably trying not to move. It was not the first time she had had a gun pointed to her temple but she was obviously more shaken up than she had been last time, with Ewell.

This was not what was supposed to happen. She was supposed to run to my side with his gun and we were supposed to leave and get out of here.

"Lower the gun, Spencer!" he shouted sounding deranged. "I will kill her!"

I stopped and thought. I knew him. I had profiled him. I could get us out of here.

"No, you won't. You love her too much to do that," I said Beth's gun still trained on him. "But she doesn't love you. She loves me. She always has and always will."

He shook his head angrily. "She told me-"

"She lied!" I said desperately. "Don't you see? She said it because she was scared."

The gun in his hand was shaking badly. He paused unsure of what to say. Beth was looking at me intensely. I couldn't look at her green eyes though. I had to focus at the task at hand. She was shaking less severely now.

"You don't love her!" he said.

"Of course I do," I said quietly back. "I've loved her since I was ten." Beth choked a bit on unshed tears. I paused and raised my hands as I placed the gun on the ground. "And if you loved her too you would do what is best for her."

"Oh and I suppose you think you are?"

He stopped pointing the gun at Beth and pointed it at me.

I shook my head. "No," I continued rambling as I went. "No one is good enough for, Beth. She's too perfect and too good. No one is worthy to be loved by her. And yet she chose me; me, with my poor social skills, intelligent mind, and drug habit. She decided to love me, even when I tried to push her away and keep her at a distance. She wanted to still love me. Don't you understand? It's not you it's me!"

I meant every word I said. I had never been articulate about my feelings for her and now suddenly it was like I couldn't make it stop. Beth was looking at me like she had never seen me before.

He looked confused for a second but the gun was still trained on me. "But she left you! She left you because of your habit!"

"But then she came back and I was the one who told her to leave." My voice was lecturing and assuring now. "She still loves me! Why can't you see that?"

He paused, his eyes showing every emotion he was feeling. He suddenly shoved her forward. My hands without thinking shot out as if to stop her fall but she caught herself before she toppled over.

"Elizabeth, love," he said slowly, "why don't you choose again for us hmm?"

She stood there, a bit shell shocked, unsure of what to do. This was the most contradictory situation she had ever found herself in. I had told her to do whatever he had said but now we were escaping and we couldn't do whatever he wanted anymore. She looked at me looking for confirmation of what she had been wanting to do for a long time. I gave a small nod.

She slowly turned to him and said quietly, "I choose, Spencer."

She turned her back to him. I held out my hand and she took it. Her fingers were the coldest I had ever felt before and her hand gripped onto mine like a vice. She looked at me and smiled. I smiled back. Feeling her hand in mine was making me feel more confident and sure of myself.

I saw his face turn from disbelief to anger.

He raised the gun, cocked it, and said, "How could you? I changed for you."

Beth was suddenly by my side. She had moved quickly when she heard the cock of the gun. She spun around violently and clutched onto my arm scared.

"You shouldn't have to change for someone to love you," she said quietly. "You need to find someone who loves you who you are. If someone promises you their love after you change they don't love you."

"I did everything for you!"

"You killed people for me!" She said angrily back. "You killed people that looked like Spencer," she choked out. "You were killing the only man I have ever loved."

"He doesn't love you like I do!"

I interjected now. "Maybe that's true. Maybe you love her better, but she chose me not you." I paused. "Now let us go. Let us go because you want Beth to be happy."

I was stumbling over my words; my hand was outstretched like I was trying to keep him back away from us.

He looked from me to Beth back to me. I was warm from the adrenaline coursing through me. Beth was shaking beside me, from fear or cold I wasn't sure. I glanced down at the ground. If I could make a move for the gun we could get out of here.

A long moment passed.

"No," he said suddenly and without warning. "If I can't have her you can't!"

A single shot rang out.


	16. Chapter Fifteen:Angels Fall

_A/N: You guys are going to kill me for this chapter...REVIEWS ARE WANTED PLEASE!_

**Chapter Fifteen – Angels Fall**

_SPENCER POV_

Beth fell forward at my side clutching her stomach. She hadn't made a sound just moved forward.

"Beth?" I asked moving around to her front clutching both of her arms.

She didn't say anything just looked down at her hands. Red blood seeped between her interlaced fingers. I looked up at her my mouth open and eyes wide. This couldn't be happening. I felt my legs go weak and my stomach drop. Her legs buckled as well and she fell against me her face a picture of shock. It was a stomach hit, the worst kind. The survival rate was extremely low about 27%. It thankfully hadn't been a through and through so there was most likely less damage to her spinal cord.

I was trying to think analytically. What should I do? What would be the best thing to do? I brought her so that she was lying on her back. She made no protests, she was still in shock. I removed her hands slowly from her abdomen. Blood was seeping through her shirt, dark red and horrible looking.

I had to stop the bleeding. I pulled my sweater vest up over my head and held it firmly over the spot. The blood from her stomach had already soaked through from where she had been leaning against me; even my button down had a distinctive red stain on it. My hands were getting covered in blood. This wasn't supposed to happen. He was supposed to shoot me. If anything he was supposed to want me out of the picture. Not her.

As soon as she had been at my side I should have put her behind me. I should have made sure there was something physically there protecting her. I should have been her shield her protector. I could have taken the bullet instead. It would be better than this, better than watching her die.

I turned around looking at him contemptuously and with disbelief.

"Why did you shoot her?" I asked angrily shouting. "You were supposed to shoot me! Me!" I could feel myself choking on unshed tears.

He was looking down at the gun in his hand; shock was evident on his face. He couldn't believe what he had just done.

"What have I done?" he asked quietly to himself.

"You killed her!" I shouted back to him.

He wasn't paying attention. He was turning the gun over and over in his hand. I looked down at the gun that was by my feet. Why had I placed it down? Why hadn't I kept it? I was so stupid thinking I could talk my way out of this. I brushed a curl off of Beth's forehead. She was cold and growing paler by the minute.

I did the mental calculations in my head.

40% or greater is usually considered the maximum amount of blood that an adult can lose before the body can no longer compensate. In an 80 kg adult this would be about 2.24 liters. A Class I Hemorrhage is usually considered 15%, or less, of an adult's blood volume. In an 80 kg person this would be about 0.84 liters. At this level there are almost no signs or symptoms. A Class II Hemorrhage is 15 to 30% loss of an adult's blood volume. In an 80 kg person this would be about 1.68 liters. At this level the heart will start to beat faster, and the person will start to look pale, and feel cool. This is the beginning stages of shock. A Class III Hemorrhage is 30 to 40% loss of blood. In an 80 kg person this would be about 2.24 liters. At this level the heart will be beating very fast, trying to keep up with the bodies needs. The person will look very pale, and start to be confused. This person is in shock, and in trouble. Fluids are needed very quickly. A Class IV Hemorrhage is as described above. This is usually greater than 40% and in an 80 kg adult this would be more than 2.24 liters. The body can no longer keep up with the blood loss and the person is in serious trouble. Without very fast help the person will die.

Beth was about 52 kg. I did the calculation. If the bullet had only penetrated the abdomen, thru to the stomach, a possible 15 minutes until she died. It is hard to determine when someone would die of an injury of this nature. She needed medical attention otherwise things would go horribly wrong. She would have fifteen minutes to live. Fifteen minutes left on this Earth. My hands were shaking too badly. She couldn't leave me. She couldn't leave me like this. I didn't want to be alone. I couldn't be alone. I needed her.

"…I can't handle this…" he said bringing me out of my reverie.

"Call 911!" I shouted to him. "Don't just stand there!" I was trying not to cry. "Call 911!"

"…I can't…I loved her…"

He wasn't listening.

"Call 911!"

"…I don't want to live…I want to die…"

He put the gun up to his temple. And shut his eyes tightly.

"Tell her I love her."

"NO!" I cried out but I couldn't stop him.

A single shot rang out and he fell to the ground dead. I turned my attention back to Beth. Her eyes were dropping she was losing consciousness fast.

"Beth," I said quietly my voice strained.

She opened her eyes trying to focus on my face.

"Hi Spencer," she said quietly her voice so faint.

She closed her eyes again.

"No Beth!" I cried. "Stay with me! Stay awake!" She opened her eyes again. "Don't leave me here," I whispered. "You can't leave me."

She kept looking at me with her big green eyes. Her skin was becoming even paler. Her lips had gone from a rosy pink to a white. She was so cold. I felt numb.

"Tell me a story," she said quietly.

"A what?"

"Tell me a story to keep me awake." She smiled though it turned into a grimace.

"There was a very smart but very lonely boy. He didn't know how to make friends and all he liked to do was read. When he was ten, he went to church with his mom. He sat down in the pew. He didn't want to be there. He wanted to be home reading."

Beth smiled at this.

"But he was glad his mom made him come because this family sat down next to them. There was this curly blonde haired girl with bright green eyes and freckles. She was wearing a pink dress."

I paused.

"You remember what I was wearing?" she asked softly.

I nodded.

"He thought she was the prettiest and most lovely girl he had ever seen. She used to write him notes everyday in church."

I could feel the blood from her wound almost done soaking through my vest. I tried to ignore it as best as I could.

"Sunday became the boy's favorite day of the week. Then when she came over his house those days became his favorite days of the week. He read to her numerous books and tried to impress her with his simple magic tricks. She made him feel wanted and loved. She made him feel like he was normal and not a freak. They were the best of friends."

"I loved those two years." She said it quietly and sincerely.

"But then the boy had to leave to go to college. He couldn't allow himself to hold her back. People would make fun of her for having a friend like him. So he broke off all communication. It was the hardest thing he had to do."

Her hands found mine on top of her abdomen. Her fingers were cold but her hands brought me comfort and assurance.

"But he always kept tabs on her. He went to her high school graduation and read all of the books she had published. He knew he could never find another girl like her. Then chance brought them back together. But what could she ever see in him? His job would only bring her pain and worry and doubt. So he pushed her away and tried to show her how wrong he was for her."

She squeezed my hands reassuringly. Her eyes were brimming with tears.

"She was too perfect to love someone as flawed as him. But she did. She loved him when he told her he didn't remember her; she loved him when he did foolish things; she loved him even when he started doing drugs. She showed him what real love was all about. And he loved her all the more dearly for it."

I dropped my eyes from her face and looked to her hands on top of mine. There was a long pause.

"She was his angel; his perfect sweet innocent angel."

I looked back up at her face. Tears were brimming over and running down the sides of cheeks.

"Sometimes angels fall, Spence," she said quietly.

I didn't know what to say back to her. I could barely speak for fear of my voice giving away that I wanted to cry and never stop. She drew in a deep breath but coughed. She was sounding more and more lethargic.

She closed her eyes again slowly.

"Beth!" I exclaimed frantically. I felt her hands slacken around my own. "Beth! Don't leave me! Beth!"

Her eyes fluttered back open but it was groggy and slow. Her hands didn't regain the comfort they had around mine.

"I'm here…" she said very sleepily. "…Right here…"

"Beth," I was pleading with her, "talk to me. Tell me something, anything."

"I can't…what…?"

She was losing too much blood. She couldn't make sense of what I was saying. I needed more time. I needed someone, anyone to help me."

"No! Beth!" I began looking around wildly. "Somebody! Somebody please help! Help! Can anyone hear me? Please!"

There was no response and no answer to my shouting. I looked back down to Beth. Her eyes were closed.

"Beth…"

My voice trailed off as I looked at her blue lips and white features. Her freckles were gone from the blood loss. Her hands were no longer tight on my own. I hung my head as tears slipped out of my eyes and off the tip of my nose.

I had watched my angel die and there was nothing I could have done to stop it.


End file.
